So my youngest has an earache, I forget my purse at home which also has my badge for work in it and things just weirded out between me and Wheelin. OH and one smidgen to add on top, my purse also has all my makeup in it so now I feel frumpy.
So turns out I was falling for Wheelin and he wasn't not on the same train as me. He wrote me this long email which irritated all hell out of me. Here's how it went down:
On Mon, Jun 29, 2009 at 9:56 AM, I wrote:
Hate talking at work...feel like I'm handucffed. When you told me over and over again that you don't want anything serious now...silly me thought that meant you didn't want anything serious NOW...but that eventually you might, with me. I get it now. I was falling...you weren't. But just as you were up front, I think I was up front about my feelings. I told you I was falling. I told you the other day that I don't hang out with guys that I think are interested in me because I don't want to lead them on. Was it worth it...........? I had fun, the sex was good, you crack me up. Would I take it all back...no. It just sucks getting a glimpse. Its dissapointing to get a taste. Not knowing at all makes it easier sometimes.
On Mon, Jun 29, 2009 at 10:50 AM, Wheelin wrote:
I hate talking at work too. Too quiet and everyone is listening. You are right, I don't want anything serious NOW, have something with you down the road? Maybe, I dunno. Not for the forseeable future. I told you that too. I've got army things to take care of this year, then hopefully a year of flight school next year into 2011. You know about this stuff. I don't want to try and maintain a relationship through all of that. Its not fair to either party. See why I'm saying NOT ANYTHING RIGHT NOW? (capitalized for interpretation) Plus I don't even know where I will be. And with you. I would not want to date you until you have time to heal from your divorce. You don't see it as well as I do, but I believe you still need to go through the process of just being alone, without any guys around, to focus on getting your goals started for your own path. To figure out your own direction. Also, just to have that final healing process, so you aren't so sensitive about relationship stuff, and relationship things do not throw you off course, you are able to just keep doing your thing. Right now you aren't in that position.Right now, guy things take precedence over your things, your things need to be first. A guy thing can completely throw off your day right now. The only way to get to the point of strength is being by yourself and focusing on yourself.
The following does or does not apply to you, its just what I want, has nothing to do with you.
I also want someone with their own life started, who has goals, their own dreams, and is in pursuit of those, just as I am. Then I can look, and just see, if the lives could even match up together based on the direction of those goals, (where the goals require you to live, how much time and what time the goals allow you to be free, when will you be able to committ to focusing on a relationship, etc etc) You do have your life started as far as already having a family, and I like you and your girls, and especially the big dog you have, she is great. I'm open to being with someone who already has kids, especially if I like them, and they like me. But as I said earlier, I want the other stuff first. Right now I see your potential. You are taking classes and getting a degree, something I like, and that will help propel your job and your future, which is important to me. You are starting to think about your future, and how you will get there, like DC, what job you want, where you want the girls to be. I just think you need to focus on the personal stuff. And since I don't know where you are there, or have any indicators of where you will go, if you will get there, and not many indicators that you are initiating it, it kinda ruins long term consideration by me. You don't take alot of interpersonal risk, so it makes sense that you haven't made much progress in these areas. Finally, in lieu of all this stuff, there is still alot of fun to be had between us. I'm not real happy that you are backing off so much. Just like now, you would rather shut the door, than walk through the door, take some risk, and see what happens, going back to that interpersonal risk thing. Thats what I've been trying to get you to do, thats why I keep assuring you that I'm not going to hurt you, or hang you out to dry, and that I will be transparent, hoping that you will try some different things, take some risk and see what happens. I can't assure you or gaurantee you the place you want, but I also don't want you out of my life. However, sometimes a person needs to make it clear that you only get someones presence under certain conditions, so I understand that. Also, my list of "wants" up there is no indicator that you do or don't have that quality, its just stated as it is my list. So don't try picking things and applying them or assuming that you lack any of those qualities, just a list.
Ugh. I'm so irritated. I was on fire after I read and re-read the part in red. Was it because it hit so close to home....or was it because it was so off base that it irritated the hell out of me that he thought of me that way. I've told him several times that I think we're too much alike. I think sometimes he'll automatically think that I'm dealing with stuff the same way he would.
Heal after my divorce.....well I've been divorced for two years now and over for 2 1/2. I honestly don't know if I'll ever get over my exhusband. Do people just get over the death of their spouse. How is it different? That he wanted it over and I didn't? I loved him so much. I still have all our stuff saved. But I try to convice myself that no matter what happens I will never be with him again. But I keep all that stuff just in case...
I don't know what I want. I don't have any major goals. That sounds so pathetic. I am so irritated with myself right now. I use to have plans and major goals. I remember when I first started highschool, I immediatly started looking into all the ways I could go about getting grants and scholarships to go to school. Then we moved to Vegas. Out of highschool I wanted to become a vet. So I joined the army because it was the only branch that had a vet program and they would pay for school. I ended up having to pay for school out of pocket but I still went. My grades weren't good enough. I would never have made it into a grad school. I even retook classes to see if I could improve the grades I received. My grades didn't get much better so I dropped out. Till I could figure out what I wanted. Here I am 10 years later. divorced. single parent of 2 little girls. mortgage. 2 dogs. feeling pretty pathetic, and sorry for myself. Feeling sorry for myself just pisses me off more. I am back in school working on a business marketing degree. Do I want to have a degree in that.........figure it will help me with something.
Jaz get back on track. Fucking Wheelin, like throwing freezing water on someone in the middle of deep sleep. I know I don't have major goals right now. I have ideas but I don't act on many of them. I'm scared. Whatever I do, I'll end up doing pretty much alone. I have two kids depending on me. I need to do some serious soul searching.
So turns out I was falling for Wheelin and he wasn't not on the same train as me. He wrote me this long email which irritated all hell out of me. Here's how it went down:
On Mon, Jun 29, 2009 at 9:56 AM, I wrote:
Hate talking at work...feel like I'm handucffed. When you told me over and over again that you don't want anything serious now...silly me thought that meant you didn't want anything serious NOW...but that eventually you might, with me. I get it now. I was falling...you weren't. But just as you were up front, I think I was up front about my feelings. I told you I was falling. I told you the other day that I don't hang out with guys that I think are interested in me because I don't want to lead them on. Was it worth it...........? I had fun, the sex was good, you crack me up. Would I take it all back...no. It just sucks getting a glimpse. Its dissapointing to get a taste. Not knowing at all makes it easier sometimes.
On Mon, Jun 29, 2009 at 10:50 AM, Wheelin wrote:
I hate talking at work too. Too quiet and everyone is listening. You are right, I don't want anything serious NOW, have something with you down the road? Maybe, I dunno. Not for the forseeable future. I told you that too. I've got army things to take care of this year, then hopefully a year of flight school next year into 2011. You know about this stuff. I don't want to try and maintain a relationship through all of that. Its not fair to either party. See why I'm saying NOT ANYTHING RIGHT NOW? (capitalized for interpretation) Plus I don't even know where I will be. And with you. I would not want to date you until you have time to heal from your divorce. You don't see it as well as I do, but I believe you still need to go through the process of just being alone, without any guys around, to focus on getting your goals started for your own path. To figure out your own direction. Also, just to have that final healing process, so you aren't so sensitive about relationship stuff, and relationship things do not throw you off course, you are able to just keep doing your thing. Right now you aren't in that position.Right now, guy things take precedence over your things, your things need to be first. A guy thing can completely throw off your day right now. The only way to get to the point of strength is being by yourself and focusing on yourself.
The following does or does not apply to you, its just what I want, has nothing to do with you.
I also want someone with their own life started, who has goals, their own dreams, and is in pursuit of those, just as I am. Then I can look, and just see, if the lives could even match up together based on the direction of those goals, (where the goals require you to live, how much time and what time the goals allow you to be free, when will you be able to committ to focusing on a relationship, etc etc) You do have your life started as far as already having a family, and I like you and your girls, and especially the big dog you have, she is great. I'm open to being with someone who already has kids, especially if I like them, and they like me. But as I said earlier, I want the other stuff first. Right now I see your potential. You are taking classes and getting a degree, something I like, and that will help propel your job and your future, which is important to me. You are starting to think about your future, and how you will get there, like DC, what job you want, where you want the girls to be. I just think you need to focus on the personal stuff. And since I don't know where you are there, or have any indicators of where you will go, if you will get there, and not many indicators that you are initiating it, it kinda ruins long term consideration by me. You don't take alot of interpersonal risk, so it makes sense that you haven't made much progress in these areas. Finally, in lieu of all this stuff, there is still alot of fun to be had between us. I'm not real happy that you are backing off so much. Just like now, you would rather shut the door, than walk through the door, take some risk, and see what happens, going back to that interpersonal risk thing. Thats what I've been trying to get you to do, thats why I keep assuring you that I'm not going to hurt you, or hang you out to dry, and that I will be transparent, hoping that you will try some different things, take some risk and see what happens. I can't assure you or gaurantee you the place you want, but I also don't want you out of my life. However, sometimes a person needs to make it clear that you only get someones presence under certain conditions, so I understand that. Also, my list of "wants" up there is no indicator that you do or don't have that quality, its just stated as it is my list. So don't try picking things and applying them or assuming that you lack any of those qualities, just a list.
Ugh. I'm so irritated. I was on fire after I read and re-read the part in red. Was it because it hit so close to home....or was it because it was so off base that it irritated the hell out of me that he thought of me that way. I've told him several times that I think we're too much alike. I think sometimes he'll automatically think that I'm dealing with stuff the same way he would.
Heal after my divorce.....well I've been divorced for two years now and over for 2 1/2. I honestly don't know if I'll ever get over my exhusband. Do people just get over the death of their spouse. How is it different? That he wanted it over and I didn't? I loved him so much. I still have all our stuff saved. But I try to convice myself that no matter what happens I will never be with him again. But I keep all that stuff just in case...
I don't know what I want. I don't have any major goals. That sounds so pathetic. I am so irritated with myself right now. I use to have plans and major goals. I remember when I first started highschool, I immediatly started looking into all the ways I could go about getting grants and scholarships to go to school. Then we moved to Vegas. Out of highschool I wanted to become a vet. So I joined the army because it was the only branch that had a vet program and they would pay for school. I ended up having to pay for school out of pocket but I still went. My grades weren't good enough. I would never have made it into a grad school. I even retook classes to see if I could improve the grades I received. My grades didn't get much better so I dropped out. Till I could figure out what I wanted. Here I am 10 years later. divorced. single parent of 2 little girls. mortgage. 2 dogs. feeling pretty pathetic, and sorry for myself. Feeling sorry for myself just pisses me off more. I am back in school working on a business marketing degree. Do I want to have a degree in that.........figure it will help me with something.
Jaz get back on track. Fucking Wheelin, like throwing freezing water on someone in the middle of deep sleep. I know I don't have major goals right now. I have ideas but I don't act on many of them. I'm scared. Whatever I do, I'll end up doing pretty much alone. I have two kids depending on me. I need to do some serious soul searching.
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