My policy

What now?

Just want to remember this for now. Wheelin popped by my house this morning and we talked. He's been mad at me and wanted me to make some sort of effort to contact him. Said he was mad that I called him and told him the way I did, (he was out at dinner with friends). That I ruined his night. That he was also irritated to hear at that moment that I had gone out on a date with someone...which I cleared up that I hadn't. After we cleared everything up we hugged and kissed..............

It felt awesome...UGH. I'm freaking 30 and acting like a 16 year old with no sense. By the way, I must point out that I aced my speech.

Sometimes....

Sometimes I don't know what to say to anyone. A lot of times I hold back, saying nothing is easier, but it also doesn't change things. I've been told by my ex-husband and Wheelin that I need to stop holding back. I don't say everything I feel. I don't act out on everything I want to do.

Sometimes my reasoning is that I avoid things that make me look weak or helpless. I hold back on something I really want to do if I think I'll hate myself for it later...if I think it may be wrong. There are so many things I would like to do because they feel good but I hold back because I feel they're wrong. I beat myself up more than anyone else can.

Sometimes I hold back if I feel what I have to say won't make a differnce anyway.

Right now I haven't had a conversation with Wheelin since Thursday night, almost 5 days ago. He left me a message on Saturday morning to call him, when I called him back I said "hi" he said he couldn't talk and would call me back, I said "bye"...and nothing has been exchanged since. I feel bad, I never wanted to give him anything, I thought he knew that...we had a condom slippage accident in the past. I freaked out worried that he might get something...he seemed more worried about getting me pregnant. I don't know what to do now. Part of me wants to leave him alone, let him stay mad at me and never speak to me if he doesn't want to. I screwed up big time, I can deal with it. Think I'll stick to my rule of not sleeping with anyone who doesn't have herpes (holding back again)....I don't want to give this to anyone else ever again...its too easy to pass on. Another part of me wants to contact him and make him realize I never meant to hurt him, that I'm sorry...anything

Right now I am ashamed of myself for not holding back this weekend. Not sure I can even type about it. I've told two people. Not sure I even want strangers knowing. Even as I think about typing it out, I'm making excuses for why I did it...why I made it ok not to hold back Friday night. If you do something and you know its against your moral code...you know that your closest friends would rebuke you for it... Never mind its not ok. Even though strangers and others would say it was...might say it was....Never mind, I'm holding back.

Broken

No surprise

Song I love

Day after

Man I'm behind. So much to tell and hardly any time to tell you all everything. I have been swamped lately with work, school and the kids. In the past week and a half I've been with my girls almost the entire time. I had a few hours to myself on Wednesday after open house. I had Friday to myself for Soccer and homework then Saturday morning for school. I know most people have their kids all the time and major kudos to single parents who have their children all the time. I have 50/50 custody so I've gotten use to having time to myself to get things done, like homework, clean house and such.
Anyways, the biggest update is that me and Wheelin had pretty much zero communication for a few days before the weekend. Then Friday while I was at soccer I get a phone call and text asking if he could spend the night at my house because he has a really early drill the next day (he drills close to my house). At first I was caught off guard considering it was kind of weird to not hear from him at all and then when I do hear from him, it's to spend the night?!?!? So I told him i wouldn't be home for a while, I had a few games that night and I had homework to finish before the next day. Around 9:30 I sent him a text letting him know I was home. I felt like a complete idiot...why is it so hard to turn away a guy that I like, its really frustrating. So he ends up coming over, he goes to bed and I work on homework. I crawled into bed around 12:30 and we both just slept. Around 5am he got up, cuddled, dressed in the dark and left.
Didn't hear a peep from him till Sunday night when he came to drop his motorcycle back off and pick up his truck (he stores some of his stuff in my garage, till he gets his house). He gave me a couple of hugs and told me that I wasn't being very affectionate. I wasn't, I've been trying to back off little by little and was hoping that he would just fade away on his own. Then he comes around and I get all screwed up...yes, typical. Anyways, he calls me yesterday right when I get off work to see if he can come to my house and wash his truck. After a hesitation on my part he offers to wash my van as well...so I agree. Here's the kicker...He starts telling me about how he just got chewed out by a girl, a girl that he went to a Notre Dame game with (in South Bend, which is a plane trip away from where we live...which he conveniently didn't mention he went with a chick, and I am just finding this out at that moment)and that she lived in Reno (which he had been flying to almost every other week for a month...due to drill). Guess she was upset with him because she flew in to town and he told her to keep him posted about hanging out and he never contacted her. So she told them that they were having major communication problems. Guess she really liked him and he told her he wasn't getting serious with anyone. I told him to tell her to join the club. Anyways to cut this a little shorter, I basically gave him some advice on how some girls probably take him and how he can be very confusing and touch to figure out. Then after both our cars were washed I told him I just wanted to be friends. That I felt like a sleazeball being a "friend wit benefit". So he said "ok". So my after feelings are relief to finally put it out there again and sadness that that's over. Yes it is much better this way in a lot of different reasons...but when something you thought might work out or has the possibility of being something great is completely over and dead I think a tad bit of mourning is expected. Oh well as one buddy once told me "This is just a process of elimination"