Sometimes....

Sometimes I don't know what to say to anyone. A lot of times I hold back, saying nothing is easier, but it also doesn't change things. I've been told by my ex-husband and Wheelin that I need to stop holding back. I don't say everything I feel. I don't act out on everything I want to do.

Sometimes my reasoning is that I avoid things that make me look weak or helpless. I hold back on something I really want to do if I think I'll hate myself for it later...if I think it may be wrong. There are so many things I would like to do because they feel good but I hold back because I feel they're wrong. I beat myself up more than anyone else can.

Sometimes I hold back if I feel what I have to say won't make a differnce anyway.

Right now I haven't had a conversation with Wheelin since Thursday night, almost 5 days ago. He left me a message on Saturday morning to call him, when I called him back I said "hi" he said he couldn't talk and would call me back, I said "bye"...and nothing has been exchanged since. I feel bad, I never wanted to give him anything, I thought he knew that...we had a condom slippage accident in the past. I freaked out worried that he might get something...he seemed more worried about getting me pregnant. I don't know what to do now. Part of me wants to leave him alone, let him stay mad at me and never speak to me if he doesn't want to. I screwed up big time, I can deal with it. Think I'll stick to my rule of not sleeping with anyone who doesn't have herpes (holding back again)....I don't want to give this to anyone else ever again...its too easy to pass on. Another part of me wants to contact him and make him realize I never meant to hurt him, that I'm sorry...anything

Right now I am ashamed of myself for not holding back this weekend. Not sure I can even type about it. I've told two people. Not sure I even want strangers knowing. Even as I think about typing it out, I'm making excuses for why I did it...why I made it ok not to hold back Friday night. If you do something and you know its against your moral code...you know that your closest friends would rebuke you for it... Never mind its not ok. Even though strangers and others would say it was...might say it was....Never mind, I'm holding back.