Need You Now

Careful what you wish for

I got my response from Wheelin:

Re: hi cont.....‏
From: wheelin
Sent: Thu 3/11/10 5:51 PM
To: cornered

I actually hadn't read this email, I opened it but it wasn't read so that must be why I haven't responded sorry about that.

Glad you focus on yourself. When I tell you to focus on yourself, i'm talking about bettering yourself, I think you when you think of focusing on yourself, you think of it as spending time with yourself, or on yourself. Thats only part of what I'm saying. When I focus on myself its about solving my own deals. I think I spend more on the problem solving part of myself, ie fixing me, and you spend more on the party time, having fun, part of focusing on yourself. We could probably (well at least I could, you will probably disagree like usual) switch roles and fill the other half of the jar and it would be good for ourselves, me having fun, you fixing stuff.

I really do want you to find someone for yourself. Me not wanting to lose you boils down to two things. I'm afraid that when you find someone you will just blow me off. You probably will anyway, but I worry about you doing that. I think you will get really into your guy and not really focus on others as much. I like hanging out with you. I want you to be happy and move forward toward whatever goals you have with your family and what not. I still feel the same as always in that we have a connection, but right now I'm not ready for what you want. I couldn't see a possibility between us for years. I just want you to be happy. I want you to find someone who makes you happy, for the right reasons too. YOu deserve someone who respects you. It seems like there aren't alot of people in your life who really do, and I think that should be the first thing that someone offers you. At the same time I don't want this person to "take you away" from me. I don't like when girls basically lose friends because of their boyfriends or whatever. I believe people need lives and friends outside their relationships, and I hope that I will still be a part of yours.

Once you went kinda crazy in hawaii, it changed things for me. I trusted you unconditionally up to that point. And while you were there you showed me that you can be truly selfish and not care at all about how you are effecting someone else, while you are experiencing whatever you're experiencing at that time. Only when you pop out of "it" is when you kinda get back to normal and show some compassion. I don't really like that trait in someone. To me its a lack of self control, of selfishness, of disregard, and I do know that I never let myself get to that point out of respect. I've learned about myself that respect is pretty essential to everything with me. Its the basis which most things seem to be built. When you did that to me, you truly disrespected my feelings. Thats only half of it, if someone disrespecteed my feelings then realized and apoligized on their own, I'm pretty much good to go after that. But you didn't, it took me convincing you for you to apoligize, even then you didn't say you did anything wrong. These are very very big components of me and my relations to other people. I'm sure among other things they help keep me from seeing possiblities with you. and i'm NOT saying that if you change them, that I will. I'm just saying they're a big deal to me. Once that happened I felt I couldn't depend on you. I pushed you away to defend myself. You kinda re-affirmed it the night you got the dogs. You admitted to me that you will not take risk, are not open to trying new things, and that you will make your future decisions pretty much solely based on what has happened to you in the past. Now I just don't feel as close to you. I don't know what you will do. YOu can't give me any reassurance that you want me around in the future. You can only tell me that you will conditionally want me around based on if I want to be with you. ...

i'm going to go get under the covers

That completely tore me up. But I so needed to hear it. This is only the second time I've read it since he sent it to me and it sucks just as much this time as it did the first time I read it. So there it is, in black and white. Nothing is going to happen between us and I suck. Biggest problem, I have no idea how to fix myself. I keep trying to remind myself that this is what I wanted....that if he didn't love me and want to be with me, I wanted to hear that. I wanted/needed something to move on. But it sucks, it makes me feel like crap. We talked that night, I kept choking up and telling him that I couldn't talk about it then. I have tears in my eyes now. I've felt broken soooo many times. Each time I think about this letter, I just feel like it confirms it.

My letter

I wrote Wheelin a letter....over two weeks ago. No response, I asked him today if he could give me an idea of when I might reveive one, because it was important to me. His response "Ok, I dunno when I can respond. That requires me to sit down for a minute. Will work on it ok. I understand its important." Sometimes I wonder how I would look at myself if I was a reader of this blog instead of the writer....

Here's the letter:

hi‏
From: Cornered
Sent: Mon 2/22/10 5:00 PM
To: Wheelin

I guess one of the hardest things for me, (the part that makes me feel the worst), is that it seems like I'm good enough to sleep with, talk to and hang out with.....but not for anything else. Thats why I've tried to cut the sex part out....problem is, I really like having sex and its nice to do with someone I trust. So thats part of the back and forth on that.

What I was trying to explain last night is that I've taken a lot of crap in relationships in the past. Anything that has hurt me, I try to make sure that I never do to someone else. Yeah, my ex husband screwed me over a couple of times with his female "friends". I know how it felt constantly trying to trust him and believe him that they were just friends, when so many things told me otherwise. I know I wouldn't do that to someone else. Guess I've just kept it really black and white on my end. Having someone in my life that I have cared about and been intimate with would be completely foreign to me....while I have a boyfriend. This one is still on the table.

I can reprogram. Just trying to figure out if I really want to. The longer I've thought about it the more I've become open to it. Guess another tough part for me is that you sit there and give me hope sometimes of something happening between us...then other times you tell me to look at it as hopeless.

I've been single for 3 years now. I know how to be a mom, I feel like I don't know how to be a girlfriend and I definately don't know how to combine the two. I'm not looking for a husband or a father for my girls. I really just wanted someone who loves me and wants to only be with me.

hi cont.....‏
From: Cornered
Sent: Wed 2/24/10 10:31 AM
To: Wheelin

Ok, so here are the few things I ran out of time to add to my last email, the other day. You told me you wanted me to concentrate on myself. I do. On my days with the girls, all I mainly do is hang out with them and enjoy my time doing things with them. I hardly talk to anyone on the phone and pretty much concentrate on them. Yes, we have our bad days sometimes, but we have a lot of good ones too. On my days without them, its all about me and whatever I want to do. Soccer, gym, dancing, school, snowboarding, traveling, hanging with friends...whatever. I've gone on at least one vacation a year with a friend, to places that I've always wanted to go to. I'm having a great time, and same with the kids...I have bad times as well. =) Think thats part of the reason why I mention that I don't know how to be a girlfriend again...I can't help but look at being someone's girlfriend as a huge restriction on doing whatever I please, whenever I want to. I've gotten very use to my freedom and I enjoy not answering to anyone. Think that may be part of the reason why I use to get defensive when you would ask what I did or question me on who I did things with. My main point is that I do concentrate on myself.

I do worry and care about my friends and loved ones. Especially when I feel there are unresolved issues. I'm not a fan of drama in my life...so I like to get things fixed that I feel are up in there air. I'm not a chick that has to have a man in my life....I think you may have the wrong idea about me when it comes to that. Thats why every guy I've met up until now I told them I didn't want anything serious, I just wanted to have fun. It's also the reason why I can keep pushing you away. If I had to have a guy in my life at all times, the last thing I would do is try to get rid of the closest guy in my life right now. Even though we haven't talked a ton on the phone lately, I still have talked to you on the phone more than I've talked to anyone else. Just realized you've told me to concentrate on myself, then you've also told me that I never asked you what you wanted and that I have been inconsiderate of your feelings. Again I'm sorry for being inconsiderate.

You mentioned you're easy to talk to...thats not true, when it comes to me trying to talk to you. The majority of the time I talk to you, I never get a straight point blank answer. Then I normally end up walking away more confused than before. You rarely just answer a question...you usually spin it or ask me more questions about it. Thats why some topics are brought up repeatedly. If I knew the answers I would be done with it. It's beyond frustrating. It falls into the same category when I told you that you don't make sense to me. You say one thing, then you contradict it the next, then your actions are on another level. You've told me how you were bothered when I told you I was going to start dating people, how you didn't want to lose me to someone else, how you had feelings for me, how you don't make sense "based on how (you) treat (me), look at (me), and how things ACTUALLY are". How are/were things actually? Because in the next breath you push me away, telling me how you want me to find someone better, you want me to be done "liking (you) like that, future with us, pursing (you)". You've pushed me away more lately than you ever have...I don't know if its because your feelings have changed, if its because I've been pushing away, or what..... If we agree to reprogram, is it just me thats reprogramming?

=) ok...think I'm done
muah
Also, I would really appreciate a response to both of these emails (novels) I've written you. I know you're busy, so I'm doing my best to be patient.

Bubble

Lately I've felt like I'm in a bubble. Day in and day out I go about my normal routine. Feel like I've only had contact with my friends via text or phone. Its almost like living in another country. Not sure if that explains it well, but its just this very isolated feeling. Most of the guys have dropped off. I wasn't giving them much encouragement or attention...I don't regret it at all. Scorpion was the one putting forth the most effort and I finally told him that I just wasn't interested. I didn't want him to continue to waste his time. Wheelin has been......around. Around as in my thoughts, and we normally have some form of communication at least once in every 24 hour period. Even if its something as small as him making a random comment on my facebook page. I miss him so much

I've come to a few realizations lately. First off, I am a complete chicken when it comes to approaching a guy I truly like. I'll have to add more later....for now I'm looking into this.