My letter

I wrote Wheelin a letter....over two weeks ago. No response, I asked him today if he could give me an idea of when I might reveive one, because it was important to me. His response "Ok, I dunno when I can respond. That requires me to sit down for a minute. Will work on it ok. I understand its important." Sometimes I wonder how I would look at myself if I was a reader of this blog instead of the writer....

Here's the letter:

hi‏
From: Cornered
Sent: Mon 2/22/10 5:00 PM
To: Wheelin

I guess one of the hardest things for me, (the part that makes me feel the worst), is that it seems like I'm good enough to sleep with, talk to and hang out with.....but not for anything else. Thats why I've tried to cut the sex part out....problem is, I really like having sex and its nice to do with someone I trust. So thats part of the back and forth on that.

What I was trying to explain last night is that I've taken a lot of crap in relationships in the past. Anything that has hurt me, I try to make sure that I never do to someone else. Yeah, my ex husband screwed me over a couple of times with his female "friends". I know how it felt constantly trying to trust him and believe him that they were just friends, when so many things told me otherwise. I know I wouldn't do that to someone else. Guess I've just kept it really black and white on my end. Having someone in my life that I have cared about and been intimate with would be completely foreign to me....while I have a boyfriend. This one is still on the table.

I can reprogram. Just trying to figure out if I really want to. The longer I've thought about it the more I've become open to it. Guess another tough part for me is that you sit there and give me hope sometimes of something happening between us...then other times you tell me to look at it as hopeless.

I've been single for 3 years now. I know how to be a mom, I feel like I don't know how to be a girlfriend and I definately don't know how to combine the two. I'm not looking for a husband or a father for my girls. I really just wanted someone who loves me and wants to only be with me.

hi cont.....‏
From: Cornered
Sent: Wed 2/24/10 10:31 AM
To: Wheelin

Ok, so here are the few things I ran out of time to add to my last email, the other day. You told me you wanted me to concentrate on myself. I do. On my days with the girls, all I mainly do is hang out with them and enjoy my time doing things with them. I hardly talk to anyone on the phone and pretty much concentrate on them. Yes, we have our bad days sometimes, but we have a lot of good ones too. On my days without them, its all about me and whatever I want to do. Soccer, gym, dancing, school, snowboarding, traveling, hanging with friends...whatever. I've gone on at least one vacation a year with a friend, to places that I've always wanted to go to. I'm having a great time, and same with the kids...I have bad times as well. =) Think thats part of the reason why I mention that I don't know how to be a girlfriend again...I can't help but look at being someone's girlfriend as a huge restriction on doing whatever I please, whenever I want to. I've gotten very use to my freedom and I enjoy not answering to anyone. Think that may be part of the reason why I use to get defensive when you would ask what I did or question me on who I did things with. My main point is that I do concentrate on myself.

I do worry and care about my friends and loved ones. Especially when I feel there are unresolved issues. I'm not a fan of drama in my life...so I like to get things fixed that I feel are up in there air. I'm not a chick that has to have a man in my life....I think you may have the wrong idea about me when it comes to that. Thats why every guy I've met up until now I told them I didn't want anything serious, I just wanted to have fun. It's also the reason why I can keep pushing you away. If I had to have a guy in my life at all times, the last thing I would do is try to get rid of the closest guy in my life right now. Even though we haven't talked a ton on the phone lately, I still have talked to you on the phone more than I've talked to anyone else. Just realized you've told me to concentrate on myself, then you've also told me that I never asked you what you wanted and that I have been inconsiderate of your feelings. Again I'm sorry for being inconsiderate.

You mentioned you're easy to talk to...thats not true, when it comes to me trying to talk to you. The majority of the time I talk to you, I never get a straight point blank answer. Then I normally end up walking away more confused than before. You rarely just answer a question...you usually spin it or ask me more questions about it. Thats why some topics are brought up repeatedly. If I knew the answers I would be done with it. It's beyond frustrating. It falls into the same category when I told you that you don't make sense to me. You say one thing, then you contradict it the next, then your actions are on another level. You've told me how you were bothered when I told you I was going to start dating people, how you didn't want to lose me to someone else, how you had feelings for me, how you don't make sense "based on how (you) treat (me), look at (me), and how things ACTUALLY are". How are/were things actually? Because in the next breath you push me away, telling me how you want me to find someone better, you want me to be done "liking (you) like that, future with us, pursing (you)". You've pushed me away more lately than you ever have...I don't know if its because your feelings have changed, if its because I've been pushing away, or what..... If we agree to reprogram, is it just me thats reprogramming?

=) ok...think I'm done
muah
Also, I would really appreciate a response to both of these emails (novels) I've written you. I know you're busy, so I'm doing my best to be patient.