I got my response from Wheelin:
Re: hi cont.....
From: wheelin
Sent: Thu 3/11/10 5:51 PM
To: cornered
I actually hadn't read this email, I opened it but it wasn't read so that must be why I haven't responded sorry about that.
Glad you focus on yourself. When I tell you to focus on yourself, i'm talking about bettering yourself, I think you when you think of focusing on yourself, you think of it as spending time with yourself, or on yourself. Thats only part of what I'm saying. When I focus on myself its about solving my own deals. I think I spend more on the problem solving part of myself, ie fixing me, and you spend more on the party time, having fun, part of focusing on yourself. We could probably (well at least I could, you will probably disagree like usual) switch roles and fill the other half of the jar and it would be good for ourselves, me having fun, you fixing stuff.
I really do want you to find someone for yourself. Me not wanting to lose you boils down to two things. I'm afraid that when you find someone you will just blow me off. You probably will anyway, but I worry about you doing that. I think you will get really into your guy and not really focus on others as much. I like hanging out with you. I want you to be happy and move forward toward whatever goals you have with your family and what not. I still feel the same as always in that we have a connection, but right now I'm not ready for what you want. I couldn't see a possibility between us for years. I just want you to be happy. I want you to find someone who makes you happy, for the right reasons too. YOu deserve someone who respects you. It seems like there aren't alot of people in your life who really do, and I think that should be the first thing that someone offers you. At the same time I don't want this person to "take you away" from me. I don't like when girls basically lose friends because of their boyfriends or whatever. I believe people need lives and friends outside their relationships, and I hope that I will still be a part of yours.
Once you went kinda crazy in hawaii, it changed things for me. I trusted you unconditionally up to that point. And while you were there you showed me that you can be truly selfish and not care at all about how you are effecting someone else, while you are experiencing whatever you're experiencing at that time. Only when you pop out of "it" is when you kinda get back to normal and show some compassion. I don't really like that trait in someone. To me its a lack of self control, of selfishness, of disregard, and I do know that I never let myself get to that point out of respect. I've learned about myself that respect is pretty essential to everything with me. Its the basis which most things seem to be built. When you did that to me, you truly disrespected my feelings. Thats only half of it, if someone disrespecteed my feelings then realized and apoligized on their own, I'm pretty much good to go after that. But you didn't, it took me convincing you for you to apoligize, even then you didn't say you did anything wrong. These are very very big components of me and my relations to other people. I'm sure among other things they help keep me from seeing possiblities with you. and i'm NOT saying that if you change them, that I will. I'm just saying they're a big deal to me. Once that happened I felt I couldn't depend on you. I pushed you away to defend myself. You kinda re-affirmed it the night you got the dogs. You admitted to me that you will not take risk, are not open to trying new things, and that you will make your future decisions pretty much solely based on what has happened to you in the past. Now I just don't feel as close to you. I don't know what you will do. YOu can't give me any reassurance that you want me around in the future. You can only tell me that you will conditionally want me around based on if I want to be with you. ...
i'm going to go get under the covers
That completely tore me up. But I so needed to hear it. This is only the second time I've read it since he sent it to me and it sucks just as much this time as it did the first time I read it. So there it is, in black and white. Nothing is going to happen between us and I suck. Biggest problem, I have no idea how to fix myself. I keep trying to remind myself that this is what I wanted....that if he didn't love me and want to be with me, I wanted to hear that. I wanted/needed something to move on. But it sucks, it makes me feel like crap. We talked that night, I kept choking up and telling him that I couldn't talk about it then. I have tears in my eyes now. I've felt broken soooo many times. Each time I think about this letter, I just feel like it confirms it.
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