Sleepy

I am so sleepy. I spent the night with Wheelin last night, after helping him move from 8pm - 3am. Fell asleep about 3:30am to wake up at 6am to go to work. Whenever I'm around him and he's being cuddly, its awesome. Then when I don't hear from him insecurities start creeping back. I like him.....but he does things that get to me, and sometimes I feel that its just to see my reaction. Like bringing up other chicks and their looks. Yeah thats a major weakness of mine.

I went to a psychic yesterday before I helped him move. She gave me the reading in exchange for pool equipment stuff that I no longer needed. It was pretty interesting. She talked about my ex and his wife...how she felt that he wouldn't have ever left me but that she felt he was manipulated into leaving. I always thought that it was so bizarre how he decided all of a sudden that she was the love of his life. Even his best friend would come to me and we would both just shake our heads in disbelief wondering what just happened to that amazing man we both admired and loved. The psychic told me that she felt his wife is currently cheating on him and that they probably won't last but another year. Great news she told me is that she sees me moving back east. I have really wanted to move to the DC area. I want an amazing life for my kids and this current city we live is just horrible for them. Its probably ranked one of the worst.

She told me she sees me getting married in about 4 years and having another child. I was holding a stone she gave me and dropped it the minute she said that. She even told me she could see what he looked like and wished she could draw him for me. I was so caught off guard that it never occurred to me till now to just ask her to describe him. Why did it catch me so off guard? Everybody always talks like my future husband is right around the corner, that its only a matter of time. I even have a vision in my head of being happy and in love with a man again. I think I just don't want to walk around with this hope and this expectation from everyone...and what if it doesn't happen. What if I don't meet him till I'm 67. Would I be crushed? What am I so scared of or against? It would just be crazy to be against finding the man of my dreams. It just hit me...this sucks, I'm typing this at work and now I have tears in my eyes. I can't see anyone else being the man of my dreams but my ex "Stephen". I guess if I met someone else I would have been wrong about him. He was (is?) the love of my life...my soul mate. Thats why I married him and had to amazing little girls with him. He's the one...was the one. Now no matter what I can't be with him. It doesn't matter if he ends things with her and comes running back to me. Telling me what a horrible mistake he made and how he can't believe he did that to us. I can't ever be with him again. I'm so broken when it comes to relationships now. I have major trust issues and this is with people that have never done anything to me. Can you even imagine being with someone who did one of the biggest betrayals. I can't. It would crush everything all over again. Give me hope...give the kids hope.

Then why am I keeping all the letters, cards, pictures, memories? Most are sitting in a box sealed in duct tape. I even dated when I sealed it. I'm not even looking at it. I guess if I got rid of it theres no proof of our love. There would only be me....only me saying that even after everything that happened, I loved him with every fiber of my being. He's told so many people that he never loved me, that if it weren't for his bestfriend I would almost believe it. Actually I do question it and thank you so much Davis for sitting there and being patient with me and reminding me every time I question it...that he did love me, you were there you witnessed it.

Is it odd to anyone that I pour my heart and soul...so many people know how much I love(d) my ex. How after 2 years I still cry about it and he has NO IDEA. When I talk to him we only talk about the kids, if we argue its regarding the kids. I'm sure he thinks I hate him...and I'm not going to change his mind. Why...are you wondering why. I'm telling you anyway. Because no matter how much I know I can never be with him again...no matter how much i know that it can't/won't work....I can't risk him asking me. I don't want him to try and come back, I don't want to be tested. I always thought how awesome it would be to have him grovel and beg me forgiveness and to be completely over him and tell him "This was all you, this is what you wanted. I loved you with all my heart and you had a woman that would have done anything for you. She's gone"