Horrible Weekend

If there was ever a time I wanted or needed a do over button it was for this weekend. Woke up Friday morning to someone insistently ringing my doorbell. Since I sleep in the nude I jumped out of my bed wrapped myself in my sheets and answered the door...standing there are two of my co-workers.

co-workers: Aren't you supposed to be at work?
me: ah FUCK
co-workers: Where's your car?
me: in the garage...
co-workers: Really? We saw a car that looks just like yours on another street.
me: ah FUCK
co-workers: Well we're glad you're ok we were all freaked out. Call work and take the rest of the day off.

It's 10am in the morning. I'm suppose to be to work at 8:30. The previous night I went out with BFF and several other girls to celebrate BFF's birthday. We had bottle service....I asked the waitress to please bring water because I was thirsty, I then finished off a carafe of water and spent the rest of the night dancing and sipping cranberry and vodka....after a couple of hours I remember nothing.

So now I'm frantically looking for my cell, can't find it. I go to plug in the house phone and its not working. Since I never use my house phone and only keep it for the alarm system, I never realized the the cordless phone no longer carries a charge. Now I'm throwing everything out of my purse to find my car keys when my doorbell goes off again. I've worked my way to wearing a t-shirt and bra. I look and see that its Wheelin....turns out BFF has my cell and she contacted him to see if he knew where I was so he was freaked out too. I throw the door open and go running back to my room to put on my lower half of clothes. I beg him for his phone...he swats me away and informs me that he is using it to reschedule an MRI appt that he just missed so that he could come check on me. Once he hangs up he gives me the phone, I call my boss apologize to her and let her know that this will never happen again. Then I call my BFF and let her know that I'm ok. Wheelin then tells me that I should take the rest of the day to think over what I've done and that I need to start basically getting my shit together. I asked him to please leave before I start crying and walk away. He comes over and gives me a hug and then leaves.

Now I need to figure out where my car is. I start walking and find it on another street. I vaguely remember getting out of it the night before then trying to get back in and realizing that I was locked out...so I guess I walked back home and let myself in through the garage. I decide I need to call AAA so they can help me out....I have no phone. I start knocking on the doors of the homes near my car and nobody is answering. Realize I might have better luck with my neighbors but I'd rather not pick someone that I want to explain what the hell happened. After a few more houses I finally find a guy working in his garage. He lends me his phone after he dials the number for me and stands over me the entire time I'm on the phone with AAA. They tell me that they will be there between now and an hour and that if they're running late they'll call me...which i remind them that there is no way to get a hold of me. Then they tell me that if they take too long to please call them back. I got and find a shady spot near my car and sit and wait. While I'm sitting there I start trying to figure out what the hell happened...what possessed me to park here...how could I possibly drive accross town then get lost in my own neighborhood. I put so much at risk....my life, other people's lives, my job...everything was put on the line. I'm completely ashamed and embarrassed. I don't even remember drinking that much.

Wheelin pulls up to me sitting on the curb, he brought me lunch. He's so awesome, but its hard to face anyone right now. He hangs out with me while we wait for AAA, then he has to go back to work when they finally show up. I get back in my car find my keys sitting in there and I take my car home and spend the rest of the day thinking.

I meet my BFF after work and we start comparing notes. Turns out there is a huge amount of time where I don't remember anything. She told me that they gave me a ride to my car because some guys kept following us and wouldn't leave us alone. I forgot my cell in her car at that point. They kept asking me if I was ok to drive and made me walk the line in between the parking spaces and I guess I must have been successful because they let me go.

I was embarrassed to come in to work today. So many people telling me that they were just so worried because it was completely out of character for me. All I can guess is that somebody must have slipped something in my drink. I'm going to google that now and see what the effects of roofies are. I didn't have a hangover, so I'm not sure. I'm just very grateful that I have a job, didn't hurt anyone and that I get to be the mother of my kids for a while longer.

Glimpse

So since school has started I have to see my ex-husband more often. His mother watches our girls at his house and when I get off work to pick them up he's home already...his wife normally isn't. Lately with the meet the teacher day, first day of kindergarten, and picking the girls up from his house....this is the most we've been all together in 2 years. It's very weird how we both fall into the way we use to act around eachother before the mess. It's weird to parent my kids with their father right their parenting them as well.

It was right before my girls turned 2 and 3 when it all fell apart. I need to get it through my head that this is a glimpse of what things would be like if we could be friends....not what it would be like if we were a family. Can I drop the grudge? Your husband leaves you for your bestest friend...the matron of honor at your wedding....the one you cried to when you didn't understand why he started asking for a divorce all of a sudden. It's hard to not want to make them pay for it for as long as possible. In the back of my head I also feel that if I just act like everything is "ok...all is forgiven" that it would strenghthen their relationship. Not sure if that makes sense to anyone else, but its almost like giving them my blessing. Not that I have any control over their relationship...I figured that out 2 1/2 years ago.

Don't get me wrong, I am civil to both of them. My girls have never heard me talk bad about either one of them. We all work around eachothers schedules. We just don't do functions together. Hearing her call him babe still gives me chills. Looking at their adorable 1 year old throws me off....I try to act like shes any other toddler and smile at her when she smiles at me...but when my youngest tries to bring her to me to carry her, I weird out. Try to come up with something that my youngest will find an acceptable reason for me not wanting to hold their half sister. I told her that maybe the baby shouldn't be outside (I always wait at the door step and avoid stepping into their home.)

How do other people do it? Am I being childish?

Kindergarten

I almost made my oldest late to her first day of kindergarten this morning. I was trying to be super mommy. They had grits, eggs and strawberries for breakfast. I did her hair really cute and curled it. But I didn't exaclty have enough time for all this.... and I forgot that I had to go through a school zone to get to her school.... and I thought I had until 8:55 to be there. Didn't realize 8:55 is the latest she is allowed to get there.

I now have video of the back of her walking with her daddy to school. I also have a few sloppy pictures of us because at one point I had to hand the camera to my four year old to take pics. But I she did take a good pic of me and my ex-husband with our kindergartner.

Observant child of mine

My oldest came up to me and asked me "Momma, why don't you have a boyfriend?" After some quick scrambling trying to come up with an appropriate answer even though it may be far from the truth I told her "I'm happy with just my girls, I don't need a boyfriend" to which she replied "Everybody else has a boyfriend". So I'm proud of myself for not parading men in front of my two girls and being good enough that they have no idea the difference between guys that are just my friends and the ones that actually mean something to me. When I have my kids I devote my time to them...Which leaves me 3 1/2 days a week to date, play soccer, go to school and have my own social life. Maybe the birth control experiment isn't working....I'm pretty down these last few days.

Placeholder

grumble, grumble, grumble. Hung out with Wheelin most of yesterday and finally had another one of "the talks" that I hate, but continue to bring up because he confuses the hell out of me. I guess I have been looking for either a title or a clear explanation of what the hell is going on between the two of us. I told him how he sits there and pushes me away and then the next minute is acting all sweet. After a discussion on it finally figured out we're just friends with benefits. Its not what I signed up for and I'm going back and forth on if I want this to continue this way or not. I've never done this before and so far....I don't like it. One thing I did get out of the book "He's Just Not That Into You" is that if somebody really likes you they will pursue something with you, even if they're telling everybody else they're not ready. Basically, he doesn't ever see me as his girlfriend...and this BS we're doing works for him. Well at this moment it doesn't for me. I'm hurt and the stupid thing is, its not like he's the one or that I'm even remotely in love...but its a blow to my ego.

Like right now the idiot was joking around about setting me up with a guy he just met who drove a black BMW. We were joking:

Me: Did you get the guy's number

Wheelin: I can go back and get it if you like

Me: Never mind, you don't know my type

Wheelin: Yes, I do and maybe you should steer away from that. You should let me set you up.

Me: Fine, go for it.

Wheelin: Are you going to set me up?

Me: No, I have to look out for my friends and you're not looking for anything serious.

Wheelin: Just give it a shot, I might change my mind

hmmmmmmmmm, very interesting considering when it comes to me thats not what you want. Oh well so I feel like a placeholder right now. Good enough to fuck and hang out with, call when you're feeling down or have issues but thats about it.

I wanted to be single for sometime after my divorce. Just have fun, so far I have. How long is long enough to be single? I've been divorced for two years. One guy I dated "Buffer" supposedly fell in love with me and wanted to get married...after a while I figured out he had a girlfriend and she had a little boy that called him daddy. For me thats a major problem.

Sorry, I'm having a pity party moment. I want a real man in my life that is completely in love with me and wants me to be happy and wants to be with me because it makes him happy. I don't want to be just good enough to fuck. This didn't happen before, when me and my exhusband were boyfriend and girlfriend we broke up for over a year and I dated people. I was the always the one ending it with them. I was the one that got to choose how I wanted the relationship to go. Guess I was fucking spoiled, I was also 19 and hot. Now I'm a divorced mom of two amazing little girls and "pretty hot". Look I know I don't need a man to be happy or complete my life. Never mind, I'm just gonna sit in my puddle for a minute...

Side note: This puddle is also brought on by the fact that there is suppose to be major announcement at work tomorrow and we're all freaked out. I'm nervous on if they're going to finally start doing lay offs here. Today just isn't a good day for me.

Condoms

So BFF found a new kind of condom that she likes and is recommending to me. We work for the same company but in different buildings so she inter-officed it to me. It was a Trojan called Thintensity, see pic above. Well Wheelin has gray packaged trojans in bulk so I thought he might have the same kind. So I sent him a text asking him what kind he had. His response "I don't know" which led to a series of texts along the lines of "how the hell do you buy condoms in bulk and not know what kind you have" to "why the hell are you and your BFF talking about condoms and how did I get brought into this conversation"

I'm finding out most people don't talk about condoms....or maybe its just the majority of people around me. I had to find out if I was the weird one so I asked several guys if they ever talk about condoms. Some where caught off guard and one actually got embarrassed, (he's not the type that gets embarrassed easily). Survey concluded: Guys don't talk about condoms...they rather not wear any at all and if they have to, they're all the same to them.

I thought they would be talking about this more than me and my BFF did. She seems to notice a difference in how condoms feel. I don't but I play along thinking maybe something might change and I can always use more condoms. But I honestly believed that guys would compare notes and find out what was the best, what gave them the most sensation or what sucked and so forth. For me it was natural to talk about condoms, I never used them with my ex-husband and now that I was dating I needed some info from someone I trusted. Turned out she hadn't experimented to much with them, therefore we became interested in the different types and when one of us comes across one that may be new and different we give the other a sample. Isn't this what most people do with most products?

Near the end of the day one guy friend texted his buddy about condoms. His buddy responded with "I like the Her Pleasure ones. That they're not just ribbed for her pleasure"...my buddies response "Oh really, so it feels good when you take it up the ass!?!?!?". This folks is why guys don't talk about condoms, they remain forever 12 year olds.

Is this really going to help?

Bitch (noun): a woman who won"t bang her head against the wall obsessing over someone else's opinion - be it a man or anyone else in her life. She understands the if someone does not approve of her, it's just one person's opinion; therefore, it's of no real importance. She doesn't try to live up to anyone else's standards - only her own. Because of this, she relates to a man very differently.

Today one of my co-workers said the definition of insanity is to continue to do the same thing and expect different results. Yes, I know she didn't make that up, but I hadn't heard it in a while and I was at least trying to give someone credit for making it pop up in my head again. So the main question is, Will becoming a bitch help me? Do I want a guy that is attracted to bitches? BFF is reading the book pictured above. I didn't really think she had a problem being a bitch till she met someone she really liked. So I'm on standby for the book. I'm all for books that can help but it seems like a lot of the times the books just make things more confusing. I've read The Rules and He's Just Not That Into You. Little tid bits from both of those books have stayed in my head but I really believe everything is on a case by case basis. I'm also single and divorced. But I do believe I should get kudos for having been with my ex-husband for 12 years.

Anyways, I was telling her about the booty call situation having a kink in it...since he kind of asked to take me to dinner and an outdoor play. BFF started giving me pointers according to what her book said. Really, I don't want to be a bitch. i just want to be me, that is just easier. I like me and I don't want to mold myself into something bitchy just to get someone. Really it just isn't worth it. Will I still read the book...Yes, its peeked my interest.

Booty Call Contract

This can be found almost anywhere online. But this just got violated and I'm weirding out. I was told by BFF to just go with the flow and not act like sir booty call just asked me out on a date inadvance.

Bootycall Contract

This pre-booty call agreement (hereinafter referred to as the "Agreement") is entered into on the _____day of __________, 20__, by_______________________, between ____________and______________.
THIS AGREEMENT SHALL COVER THE FOLLOWING RULES AND PRINCIPLES:

1. No sleeping over - unless it is very good and we need to repeat it in the morning.

2. No meeting in public except for dinner or drinks before the events of the evening.

3. No calls before 9 PM - we don't have anything to talk about.

4. None of that "lovemaking" stuff - only sex allowed.

5. No emotional discus.s.ions (i.e. Where are we heading with this? Do you love me?) The answer is no, so don't ask.

6. No plans made in advance - that is why you are called the "backup," unless you are from out-of-town, then it's only a one-time advanced arrangement.

7. All gifts accepted - money is always good.

8. No baby talk - however, dirty talk is encouraged.

9. No asking for comparisons with former lovers - it's really none of your damn business.

10. No calling each other "friends with privileges" we are not friends, just sex buddies.

11. Calling out the wrong name during sex is OK - don't be offended.

12. No extra clothing - I don't want your ass leaving anything behind when you leave.

13. No falling asleep right after sex - it's over, so get your ass up, get dressed and go the hell home.

14. Don't be offended if I don't ask if you enjoyed it - I don't care.

15. You cannot borrow my car for any reason.

16. If anyone asks who you are, the standard answer will be: "My roommate's girlfriend/boyfriend."

17. Dog.gie style is the preferred position - the reason is less eye contact the better.

18. No condoms, no banging. Carry your ass home.

19. Bring your own drink - I am not your liquor store.

20. No phone use, please - don't want anyone calling back looking for your ass.

* EXTRA TIP FOR SUCCESSFUL BOOTY CALLS:The aforementioned rules may only be altered by the holder of the agreement. If the other party attempts to change or alter any terms of this Agreement, it will automatically become null and void and you will then be removed from the BOOTY CALL LIST and deleted from phone memory and email list. In other words, you will be BLOCKED from all communications until your silly ass understands the rules.

Participating PartySignature_______________________________________

Date: ________________

Participating PartySignature_______________________________________

Date: ________________

Perspective

I went to a pool party on Friday night. Had a blast and drank way too much. Haven't drank that much in a while. I knew most of the people there were younger than me but I didn't really give it much thought. A girl in her early twenties started talking to me and telling me her life story and all the little things that made her her. She was pretty fascinated with herself and I found it interesting so I asked questions. She told me about all her injuries, accomplishments, who gave her her boob job, how she use to be a lesbian and so on.

At one point I decided to jump in and tell her how I knew another chick who was 30 like me and.... The conversation was completely lost after that.

Young boob job chick: "You're 30! Oh my god, you look soooo good for 30"

I was awestruck. Never until that moment did I realize how horrible that sounds and that I will NEVER do that to someone older than me again. It is such a backhanded compliment. I know she was trying to be nice, I was probably a whole 6 years old than her. I know I've told people before how great they look for their age...but I promise to never do that again. I think I may start carrying lollipops around for the next youngin that says that to me. Hopefully it will be a looooooooong time away.

Running from running

I'm very interested in doing the mud run or maybe even the iron girl next time they're in town or near by. But there is a MAJOR problem...I hate running. I love competing and I love the feeling of accomplishing something that is difficult. So Wheelin told me that he thought if I really got into running I would love it...something about it having all these aspects that I like, he threw a comparison to how much i enjoy sex that somehow distance running is similar. Not sure, exactly what he said now but it involved sex so I decided to give running a shot. Before that I asked my BFF what she thought. She knows me better, maybe she would have a different take on it and tell me "No don't run". But...she didn't, to my dissapointment she completely agreed that I would enjoy running...or that she had great confidence that I would drop this major grudge I have with it. I didn't even mention the sex part.

So, I decided to give it a shot. No set date was made for this so I kept putting it off. Somehow Wheelin is very good at continuing to bring it up. The other day I mentioned how my spraigned ankle was all better. Which prompted him to ask "So, when are you going to start running", which I quickly came back with "it's too hot out" somewhere the rest of the conversation excapes me, something about me always having an excuse, blah blah blah. Well today was gorgeous outside, I woke up early enough to go for a run. I decided to bring my dog along, (she's young and big, she could save me from anyone out there ready to throw me in the back of their car and do murderous things to me motivate me and give me some company.

6:20am - We set off at a slow jog. Turns out my dog loves running, so the speed definately picks up after she stops paying attention to every bush and rock we pass. We're running now outside of our complex and around the corner. I'm trying to stop the mantra running through my head "this sucks, this sucks, this sucks". Now I'm starting to wonder how far I should continue since I have to eventually return home. Also I can't run for too long because I have to get ready for work. It's my first time out I don't want to over do it. So after all these things run through my head I decided to go back home. I've worked up a sweat got the dog and myself out of the house we're good. So I get home sweaty, out of breath, coughing and just glad its over. Let me check the time and see how much time I have left to get ready for work. - 6:35am Are you freaking kidding me! 15 minutes, was all I ran for? Man this is going to take a while for me to start loving this torture.

Maybe I should wait till I get music on my shuffle, or until I get better shoes or.....

Muah to Blog

hmmmmmmmmm. I failed to mention that I brought up to the psychic that I blog. She said that I should send her a link to it sometime. After the last post, I'm thinking thats a bad idea.

Wheelin knows I have a blog...now he's curious about it. Thats probably not as bad of an idea. Buffer use to read my blogs on LJ. I never held back, and he would read them regularly. I use to vent about him a lot...he drove me nuts. But I was never worried about losing him, if he would have just walked away I would have been a'okay with it. The difference with Wheelin is that I feel like he has this need to tell me how or why I am doing things wrong. Or how I should be doing them better. He's very opinionated....it can get annoying. It gets annoying.

But guess what! This is my blog...my feelings...my little world in writing. Who ever finds anything wrong or imperfect...GO AWAY. These are my imperfections, my wrongness and in my little world they are all accepted and just right.

I don't know what I'm doing, I'm figuring so much out on my own and sometimes you're opinion isn't welcomed. This is my little reflection manual. Somewhere I can look and see how I did things and how I should probably go about them differently or see what I did right. I love my blog!

Crystal Ball

So I went to another psychic reading yesterday...it is so weird to even type that. I'm not a person that normally goes to one...but heck if its free, I'm game. She seems to really like and keeps wanting me to come back and give me free readings. The crappy thing is that I think she's kind of lonely, so my instant response was...do you want to just hang out instead and I left it up to her to decide what she would like to do. So where's the crappy part you ask? I don't really want to hang out....I can't even say it harshly here. I felt like she was lonely so i offered to hang out, even though I don't want to. But I thought that might make her feel better. Why do I put other people ahead of me? Yes, it was really nice of her to give me two free readings...not completely free, I did giver her a bunch of pool cleaning supplies...which is how I got the first reading for free. Wanna hear the other weird thing, the minute I walked out of her house I started feeling bad....thinking that if she's a psychic couldn't she tell that I don't really want to hang out with her? If I did hang out with her would she be trying to figure out which guy I would work with best...what is it like to hang out with a psychic? Is it similar to hanging out with a psychologist? Do they ever really stop working? For the pessimist out there...Yes, I may be taking this too far...who knows if she has really psychic ability...if it really exists. But why chance it? I believe that psychic ability exists...do I believe everything she tells me is exactly whats going to happen....not really.

I told Wheelin about the reading (he introduced me to her). I told him how everything she told me this time was so positive. I have an amazing life coming to me. Honestly I really already thought that myself...maybe its the kid in me that still believes in hapily ever afters. But damn I deserve it....I've done my share on the bad side of Karma. Good stuff, better stuff has to come. Then Wheelin's comment is "Do you really think she would tell you bad stuff?" UGH...such a partypooper...actually I normally tell him that he's a killjoy (its an official word in the urban dictionary). Yes, I do think she would tell people bad stuff...she told me that my mom might be moving in with me. That is HORRIBLE in my book. She also thinks my dad will probably pass around the age of 78...he's 75 right now, that's not a good thing at all.

My experiment

Since my divorce my emotional state can be very up and down. I didn't think too much about it. I married my highschool sweetheart, we had been together since I was 16...so basically I figured of course my emotional state might be a bit off. I also don't have anything else to compare it to because I am such a different person now....compared to "pre-ex husband" days. Every now and then I was growing a little concerned: What's wrong with me? Why am I having such mood swings? Is it because of my period that I weird out every month? Am I bipolar?

I started tying it to my period, because Buffer is the one that pointed out how I would try to get rid of him and kick him out of my life every single month like clock work. It was pretty weird when I realized he was absolutely right. It was so bizarre because I never realized....even though I was now aware of the issue, all those horrible, sad, lonely feelings would come back. The strangest thing was also than when you would think I needed people the most...that's when I would push everyone away, then I would wallow in it.

So now I'm trying something different. The experiment. I really think part of the issue is THE PILL. I never took it consistently until after my divorce, it has hormones in it and I really believe that it is throwing me off. Recently there was an issue were my pharmacy wasn't able to fill my prescription and I've had to go without...and I am so happy.

Things aren't getting to me like they normally do. I can go a day without talking to Wheelin and it doesn't bother me. Its like my body is giving itself regular pep talks and we're just happy. We're us! Man I've missed me and its been kind of scary, thinking I was gone and that the divorce was the reason. So yeah...I'm kind of putting a lot on THE PILL and hoping that is truly the reason for this "other bizarre mopey chick" that's been hanging around. If she continues to come back on a regular basis...not sure what I'm going to do.

There is the issue of the whole reason for taking the pill...and knowing that most forms of birth control have hormones. Yes....I'll use condoms, but those have slipped off twice while I did the deed with Wheelin. I can't have another baby right now....I just can't. Think we would both fall into cardiac arrest at that prospect. He has so many things he wants to do and I just have too much on my plate. Wheelin has been informed of the experiment. Well we'll see what happens, I want to be happy and sex makes me happy too....dilemma.