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grumble, grumble, grumble. Hung out with Wheelin most of yesterday and finally had another one of "the talks" that I hate, but continue to bring up because he confuses the hell out of me. I guess I have been looking for either a title or a clear explanation of what the hell is going on between the two of us. I told him how he sits there and pushes me away and then the next minute is acting all sweet. After a discussion on it finally figured out we're just friends with benefits. Its not what I signed up for and I'm going back and forth on if I want this to continue this way or not. I've never done this before and so far....I don't like it. One thing I did get out of the book "He's Just Not That Into You" is that if somebody really likes you they will pursue something with you, even if they're telling everybody else they're not ready. Basically, he doesn't ever see me as his girlfriend...and this BS we're doing works for him. Well at this moment it doesn't for me. I'm hurt and the stupid thing is, its not like he's the one or that I'm even remotely in love...but its a blow to my ego.

Like right now the idiot was joking around about setting me up with a guy he just met who drove a black BMW. We were joking:

Me: Did you get the guy's number

Wheelin: I can go back and get it if you like

Me: Never mind, you don't know my type

Wheelin: Yes, I do and maybe you should steer away from that. You should let me set you up.

Me: Fine, go for it.

Wheelin: Are you going to set me up?

Me: No, I have to look out for my friends and you're not looking for anything serious.

Wheelin: Just give it a shot, I might change my mind

hmmmmmmmmm, very interesting considering when it comes to me thats not what you want. Oh well so I feel like a placeholder right now. Good enough to fuck and hang out with, call when you're feeling down or have issues but thats about it.

I wanted to be single for sometime after my divorce. Just have fun, so far I have. How long is long enough to be single? I've been divorced for two years. One guy I dated "Buffer" supposedly fell in love with me and wanted to get married...after a while I figured out he had a girlfriend and she had a little boy that called him daddy. For me thats a major problem.

Sorry, I'm having a pity party moment. I want a real man in my life that is completely in love with me and wants me to be happy and wants to be with me because it makes him happy. I don't want to be just good enough to fuck. This didn't happen before, when me and my exhusband were boyfriend and girlfriend we broke up for over a year and I dated people. I was the always the one ending it with them. I was the one that got to choose how I wanted the relationship to go. Guess I was fucking spoiled, I was also 19 and hot. Now I'm a divorced mom of two amazing little girls and "pretty hot". Look I know I don't need a man to be happy or complete my life. Never mind, I'm just gonna sit in my puddle for a minute...

Side note: This puddle is also brought on by the fact that there is suppose to be major announcement at work tomorrow and we're all freaked out. I'm nervous on if they're going to finally start doing lay offs here. Today just isn't a good day for me.