too funny

This made me smile on my mopey day. Thanks to Kathryn for posting this.




Here's the video:

http://www.theinternalmakeover.com/2009/09/i-love-you-youre-perfectnow.html

Mopey me

Ok, this is your warning, you can turn back now, here's your last chance. I'm being pretty mopey and the day just freaking started. This all kind of started yesterday, I was feeling very overwhelmed, with the girls, their homework, my homework, making dinner, trying to put all the weeds I trimmed the day before in garbage bags (we're suppose to have serious wind here today), even the most mundane things were getting to me. My youngest got a spanking for not putting her outfit in the dirty clothes after her 20th reminder. I ended up sending them to their room crying before I flew into a screaming fit. Then I got a hold of BFF to blow off some steam. I hate these day when i feel like I can't handle it all, where everything feels like its just too much and there is no end in sight.

So this morning I talked to Wheelin on the phone. He mentioned that on my fav. morning radio show they had been talking about friends with benefits and he had almost called me because he wanted me to listen to it. Well guess what, I don't like being in a friends with benefits relationship. I feel like a sleezeball. I have nothing against them, they work for a ton of people. My BFF is really good at pulling it off. Me....not so much. I can't separate the two...my feelings and sex just go together. Ugh, I want love. I've been dealing with this whole Wheelin thing just to see what would happen. To see if I could be ok with what me and him are. I'm just not, it drives me crazy, it hurts, it sucks. The other reason I haven't seriously tried to change things is because I couldn't come to terms with what it is I really want from him. Do I want to just be friends (can I go backwards)? Do I want nothing to do with him?

The other part of our conversation this morning was me mentioning that I had a rough night. I didn't give him the details but he came to his own conclusion that my kid's wear me out. He doesn't have kids. He doesn't understand. I'm really sensitive when he talks about my kids. My kids can drive me crazy, crazy thoughts go through my head about how much easier things would have been without them...YES I KNOW THATS HORRIBLE. I would have never had to deal with my ex again. I could have gotten through school easier, and so on. But my girl's are my world. It's because I try so freaking hard to be the best mom that I can that my life is hard. If I was a shitty parent, things would be easier as well...but that isn't an option. My point is that I don't take it well when people say negative things about my kids...or even imply it. I don't think Wheelin is a fan of them, or he isn't a fan of my parenting. When he's around, my kid's behavior is amplified (to me). They also show off because he's there, they're excited and want to get his attention. I need to get him out of my life, think the bad outweighs the good. If you made it to the end of this post...I need advice...or someone to talk to.

Probably reading into it

I try to do as little facebook/myspace stalking as possible. I never usually find anything that I want to. Usually just end up finding things that bother me. I also don't have internet at home (single mom that can't afford it), and I can't get to those sites at work. So I normally don't have time for stalking. The other night I was using Starbuck's "free" internet and decided to go to my ex's myspace page. His page isn't private and I haven't been on it in over 2 years. I decided a while back to never go to see him and his wife's page. Well temptation overcame me. I was very happy with myself, that reading his page didn't hurt anymore like it use to. Seeing pictures of them with my girls, didn't bother me like before. The thing that stayed with me the most and left me thinking was the comments section...he only has 5 pages of comments, and if I went to the oldest ones (which were from 3 years ago) he still had all the lovey dovey and funny comments I had left him when we were married and happy. He's a guy...which means he probably has never gone that far back in his comments and has forgotten they were even there. Then I would have to follow a similar path of logic to think that his wife (my ex-bestfriend) has forgotten about them too or doesn't mind them there? Like I said I'm probably reading too much into it, but crazy enough it made me smile. I don't think I can explain why.

9 Signs a Guy Is a Keeper

Saw this on Carolina Girl's blog, she found it somewhere else, but I thought it was interesting. Not sure I've ever met anyone that fit all these categories.

Dating Tips: 9 Signs a Guy Is a Keeper

Think you've found The One? We asked relationship experts to help singles spot the clues that indicate serious boyfriend (and beyond) potential. Here's what to look for when separating the princes from the toads.By dating editor Ruby Madren-Britton for Glamour

#1. Keeper clue: He has his act together. (Check - for the most part)

This seems like a no-brainer, but it's a good place to start. "It's very important that you two be able to have a lot of fun together, so a party boy or a screw-up will probably not work out for you," says Mira Kirshenbaum, a family and couples therapist and author of Is He Mr. Right? "No matter how charming he is, if he is still struggling to grow up, it will get very old, very fast."More

#2. Keeper clue: He puts you first. (Fail)

Picture a delicious platter of grilled steak. Does your man offer it to you first to pick the best piece? He does if he's a keeper! "When it comes to taking the best piece of meat or offering it to you, that's a metaphor for how he'd always put you first the rest of your life," says Rachel Greenwald, author of "Why He Didn't Call You Back: 1,000 Guys Reveal What They Really Thought of You After Your Date."

#3. Keeper clue: He's not afraid of your germs. (Check)

You know a guy is really into you when he can't stay away, even when you're bedridden and snotty. "When you're sick with the flu, he says, 'Let me come over and take care of you,' rather than, 'Oooh, you sound really contagious... call me when you're feeling better,'" Greenwald says.

#4. Keeper clue: He's a family man. (With his family...does ask about my girls)

He asks about your family, and he seems to genuinely want to hear about them. "Interest in your family shows that he thinks about you as a whole person, and he knows that being with you means understanding and accepting your relatives too," says Sarah Harrison, senior editor of yourtango.com.

#5. Keeper clue: He makes time for your friends. (Fail)

In the beginning of your relationship, does your man show an interest in meeting your besties? And does he follow it up with a plan, like hosting a low-key dinner party? "Friends are an important part of your life, and his knowing them makes him more involved with you." Harrison says. "Plus, he'll have to deal with them at some point, so initiating it himself shows maturity."

#6. Keeper clue: He's your biggest cheerleader. (Check)

And she even has a poem: When your guy calls your mom to tell her about your promotion before you do, that should tell you something. A man who is supportive of you and your goals is typically a guy who doesn't "feel threatened by your success," says Kirshenbaum. "He knows who he is and where he's going," which means he can ultimately be there for you.

#7. Keeper clue: He remembers the little things. (Fail)

Does your man really listen to you? You'll know he's a keeper if you tell him you have a big scary work meeting and the next time you talk, he asks how it went. Or if you tell him you left your sunglasses at his house and he remembers them on your next date. "Following up on things you say to him means he pays attention to you -- always a good sign," Harrison says.

#8. Keeper clue: He's happy when you're happy. (Fail)

This is the guy who "goes to a chick flick with you on Friday night rather than an action film -- not because he actually wants to, but because it makes you happy," says Greenwald.

#9. Keeper clue: He makes you the best you can be. (Check)

A guy who makes you feel like the luckiest woman alive -- like you can (and should!) be your confident, fabulous self -- is worth hanging on to. "It's not just about how you feel about him but more about how he makes you feel about yourself," Kirshenbaum says.

Fun times in San Antonio

I started dating my ex at 16 after 3 years we broke up while I was in the military doing AIT (job training) in San Antonio TX. Lucky for me I had a gorgeous/nice guy "Honda" that was interested in replacing him in the mean time. Honda was 28 years old (9 years older than me), he was switching from the marines to army (so he was in phenomenal shape), and since he was older he was one of the only people that had a car in our Company.

For the 2 months we were down there, we were inseparable. He treated me like a queen. We had sex pretty much every chance we got. On our last night in the barracks we ended up having sex in a wall locker...it was the only place that gave you any privacy. He was great and once the 2 months passed I was sent back home and he was shipped to Hawaii. He sent me a card and I never wrote back.

Eleven years later he finds me on facebook. It has been so fun talking to him and reminiscing. We had it so good back then. Life was uncomplicated...the worse you had to deal with was drill sergeants and what hotel we would be staying in that weekend. Now he's in a relationship of 8 years, she has 2 kids and they're having problems. I'm now a single mom of two little girls. Honda hasn't found many people from his past so this was all new to him. I've done this drill several times and it seems to be the same each time. Find someone, reminisce about the past, then after several conversations realize you don't have anything to talk about anymore, then drift apart again. He's probably also interesting in taking a trip down memory because his current relationship is having problems. I gave him some advice, to remember why he loved her to begin with and that every relationship has its problems. We'll see how it works out...memory lane was nice. Wonder if I could still pull it off in a wall locker..........

One of the guys

So I've always been a huge tomboy. I love football, I play fantasy football every year for the past 6 years, I love sports in general and watch sport center every night.. I enjoy sex. I'm very competitive and strong. I'm pretty logical (don't think this blog normally reflects that). I don't show a ton of emotion to people...I rarely ever cry in front of people. I can play very cold when I'm really hurt. So for many of these things and then some, I've been called one of the guys. I didn't think much of this when I was married...but now that I'm single and dating, it throws me off when the guy I'm seeing tells me I should have been born a man. I don't take that as a compliment, I guess men consider it a high honor, but I don't. Can anyone shed some light?

Bummed out

Work is kicking my ass...I've had so many projects lately I can barely keep them straight. Some have even come back to haunt me because they've fallen through the cracks in all the shuffle from the company to my office and back, so its left me with less time to correct and finish them. Have people getting irritated with me left and right over things I have no control over.

My house is kicking my ass...I can't get caught up. Laundry and dishes are piling up everywhere. The more I clean the more there is left to do. The girls help a little but we're not getting ahead. Things keep breaking and the things I can't figure out how to fix stay broken till I can save up some money to get them taken care of or I work around them (currently using pliers to turn the knob on the washing machine).

School is kicking my ass...I have to have a demonstration speech ready for my communications class next week. I haven't even started it, I know what I want to do it on but I need to write it out and practice it a ton in order to make sure I hit the right amount of time when I do it in front of everyone. I have a two page paper due on Saturday for political science...I've been trying to do my reading for that class during my lunch breaks but thats not panning out either.

Liking someone is kicking my ass...suppose to hang out with Wheelin tonight, he called me right when I got off work yesterday. He was in a great mood and thought it was Thursday and wanted to hang out. After I told him that I would be with my kids and couldn't hang out, we rescheduled for tonight. Then I just told him that I would be kid free on Saturday, that if he wanted to go house hunting (for himself) we could do it then. I got the response that he is leaving for his hometown tomorrow, which is where the chicks that are "in love" with him live.

So now I just want to cancel tonight with him and concentrate on school. Feel like I don't have too many things to look forward to lately that make me genuinely happy. I'll get over it.

Putting yourself out there

I have an issue with appearing weak or vulnerable to people. Which is why I'm as anonymous as possible on this blog and nobody in my everyday life knows I write this. My issue right now is I'm still fiddling around with trying to keep some distance from Wheelin. We've been barely communicating for the past few days. I was the one that initiated any texts recently...which is kind of stupid since I'm the one initiating this entire withdrawal (pretty much without his knowledge, that it was even going to happen). So today he initiated contact first, sent me a text regarding fantasy football...a total of 4 texts back and forth total and that was the end of that "conversation". So now I miss him.

I'm trying to figure out what I'm missing, or better why I'm missing him. I'm blogging to keep from texting him that I miss him. I'm holding back because I'm the one that normally caves and sends that mushy crap then feel stupid when its not reciprocated. He normally just sends something back acknowledging he received the text. So I have this internal battle of not wanting to hold back how I feel and not wanting to be vulnerable. It would be easier if I knew without a doubt that he felt the same way towards me that I did toward him. He has told me time and time again that I don't give him enough credit for his feelings toward me. Ugh...back to what am I missing. Do I miss Wheelin or do I miss having someone that is interested in my life, someone to talk to about the most mundane things with, someone to talk about new things the girls did, or the funny things the dogs do. Or am I missing him because he's so funny, he is the only one that stands up to me and tells me if I'm coming up with excuses to get out of something, he inspires me, I love the way he smells, kisses, I miss his goofiness, miss the way he stops in the middle of something just to stare blankly and figure out his next move, I miss wrestling matches.

When things ended with Buffer, it took a matter of minutes to completely forget about him. I looked up one day and realized months had passed since we last spoke. So is this different...? I think too freaking much

Jerk vs Nice Guy

I have experience dating jerks...very little experience dating nice guys. Not sure if I've ever truly dated a nice guy. The only guy that came closest to that I ended up having the cops help him pack his stuff while he moved out of my condo. Its nothing I'm proud of but now that I look back on it, turns out its made it difficult to date a nice guy. Why???? Because nice guys are nice to everyone...jerks are usually only nice to the people they really like. As in the next person they will be sleeping with or their buddies. So when you get use to that MO its difficult to be around someone that everyone loves and not feel insecure. Or maybe I'm just insecure....but then that would make for a very short blog and I wouldn't get this stuff off my chest, so I'll contemplate more on that later.

When you're with a jerk and he does something special and nice for you it means a lot, because it was something that he did just for you. Something to make you realize that you mean something to them and they are going against their grain to make you happy. When a nice guy does something nice for you that he would do for pretty much anyone else in his life...its not the same. For me it gets to the point where I can't read a nice guy...no idea if I'm making a big deal out of their kindness when in reality I should just be thankful that I was included in their circle. How do you know if a nice guy really likes you?

I don't want a jerk anymore. Tired of jerks. So I really need to figure this nice guy thing out. Need to get over everyone liking my nice guy and realize thats part of the reason I like them so much. I stumbled (after some serious internet research; looking for something else) on an old site Wheelin use to have, that his ex made for him when he was over in Iraq. Found all these posts people had left him with well wishes and their love...made me realize that people have always told him how much they missed him and loved him. That they have no motives but to let him know he is cared for. Have to remind myself that when he runs to damsels (his female friends) in distress, that he's just being him and cares about his friends in return. I can deal with that...is probably going to be a lot harder than it should be for me. Anyone experience anything like this?

What is normal?

So, I've been trying to back off of Wheelin...little by little. Kind of...maybe... Well whatever the point is that I played soccer last night and hurt my ankle. I have 2 soccer games to play today after work. I told one of my team mates that I was still in pain but that I was coming to the game regardless. He told me to take some advil and that he would bring icy hot and a brace. In the mean time I have been working on my first paper that I have to turn in to my Political Science class tomorrow (I haven't written a paper in over 10 years). I'm nervous about my paper because I have been out of school writing mode for so long...and if you read my blog at all you know that I'm not a good writer. Well Wheelin offered to help me with my paper...asked me to help him look at more houses. The part of me that likes him wants to drop everything and meet him....the sane part of me realizes that its pretty stupid to go to soccer with a messed up ankle and that my paper is more important. The ego part of me wishes that he would do the same for me...drop everything to hang out with me every now and then.

So I'm curious, how normal is it to want to be around a person that you like...every chance you get? Usual between us is around once a week. If I could see him more I would like to...but he often reminds me about he doesn't like couples that spend so much time together. Like his buddies that he doesn't get to see much because they're glued to their current girlfriends or objects of affection. I think some of that is normal to want to be around the person that you really like, I also feel its normal to want to be around your friends without that person or also on your own at times. Never mind...I'm rambling

Fade to black

Why does this continue to happen. I keep getting guys stuck in the good enough for now stage. Which is basically the settling until something better comes along. I don't want people in either of those options but also have a hard time of figuring out how to move them along. I'm not trying hold on to a guy and wait for something better to come along...I don't want to leave one guy just to move on to the next.

The thing is I'm stuck on the whole jealousy issue. This chick that is in love with him is "supposedly" coming out to visit him. He says he doesn't know anything about it, but she's mention it a few times on his fb that she's looking at flights. The only thing I know about her is that she has a boyfriend (which apparently doesn't mean anything to her) and that Wheelin thinks she's stupid. Which he may have just said to try and make me feel better about her.

Found out another chick that I hadn't noticed on his page (because I de-friended him for over a month) loves to lay claim to him to. She did come out recently to visit and hang out with him. At that time he told me a friend came in to town and that was it. I didn't ask any questions.

So...I'm a very competitive person, but when it comes to guys I have ZERO interest in competing. Pick me or move on, its not a big deal. I think Wheelin is just having fun and enjoying the attention. I just don't want any part of it. This is a shitty feeling. I may be the only one sleeping with him, but that doesn't make me feel any better. I'd rather be alone...just friends. It just seems that every time I try to move it back to the friend category or have a conversation regarding it it doesn't seem to work out. The last time we had this retarded talk he left it up to me...told me that whatever I chose, he would support. For a while now my gut has been screaming to just be friends. Other parts of me scream for something different.

I have a counselor...I can't do all this fixing on my own, it requires some professional help and guidance. We figured out I have abandonement issues. So I go into a relationship expecting it to end or to be left. She also told me that whenever I feel the need to have the "Where is this relationship going" or the "What exactly are we doing together" speech to tell myself to shut up. So I'm partially following that. I've backed off of Wheelin and am trying to avoid talking to him again...trying to make him fade to the background a bit. Problem is he's wondering why I'm being so quiet and aloof. Talking it out with him never seems to make it any better, so I don't know what to do. Right now I'll continue with what I'm currently doing...avoiding him and blaming it on something else like school and work.

Guilt

Guilt happens to be one of the main driving forces in everything I do. Every now and then people feel the need to try and make me feel guiltier about something. I hate guilt trips and hate when people try to use that to influence what I should do. I'm harder on myself than anyone could ever be. Since I've become a mother its been so much worse. I expect A LOT from myself, I think everyone should. I've always wanted to be the best me that I could be, which is probably why I'm constantly trying to figure out why I do things the way I do them and am always working on fixing myself.

I'm feeling especially guilty today. Did a few things yesterday that I'm questioning myself about. First off I felt I should have dealt with the Suzuki pic differently. But I honestly didn't notice "his happy to see himself" issue in his pants. So now I'm stuck on that.

I also decided to get out of going to a soccer game to help Wheelin look for houses. I hate cancelling soccer, feel like I'm breaking my commitment to my team and I know how much it sucks when you can't depend on people showing up. Its already tough to get girls to show up and you have to work so much harder when you don't have a full team. So I checked with the team and they told me that they should be fine. My game would have been right after work and I would have been done by 6:40, but Wheelin asked me to please cancel and he would meet me at my house. I cancel soccer, and after work I'm home waiting for him at about 5:20. Call him, he's no where to be found...text him, I get no response. Now I'm getting irritated. I cancelled something that was important to me and he's no where to be found. I call him and text him again to let him know that if I don't hear from him soon, I'm leaving for my game. Another 20 minutes goes by and I still don't hear anything from him so I leave for soccer. I get there at 6:15, half way through the game and still haven't heard from Wheelin. I'm fuming and my team is losing...nobody is playing defense (which is my spot). After the game I have several irritated voice mails and texts from Wheelin. He felt that I didn't give him enough time to respond to my "ultimatum" of respond to me now or I'm going to soccer messages. He feels that he can't count on me and that I should be more understanding. So now I apparently screwed my team and him over...and I can't get across to him that he screwed up as well. This goes on for a while and while I try and point out that it was a miscommunication, that I thought he would be there when I got off work since this couldn't wait till after my game, I felt I had given him plenty of time...it doesn't get through to him. So we leave it at a stalemate.

I go and meet him and we look at several houses. Afterwards we end up back at his place with his roommate "RonJ" sprawled on the couch with his chick of the day watching a movie. I'm sitting on the love seat with Wheelin who is trying to make himself comfy on this mini couch by laying his 6 foot something frame on it. People that tall cannot lay down on a love seat and be very comfortable....especially with someone else trying to salvage a section of it for their own ass. After a while of watching the movie sideways I decide I'm going to leave. A buddy invited me to check out a new latin nightclub on the strip so I figure that sounds like the better alternative. When I announce that I'm leaving and Wheelin notices that I have clothes to go somewhere else, I informed him that I was going out. He does his best impression of a disapproving father and asks if I think that's wise considering what happened last week?...ok maybe he didn't say all that...it was probably more of a surprised "Really?!?!?", but it sure as hell sounded like all that. I asked how long I was suppose to avoid going out to make up for my major fuck up last week? Pretty sure I also threw in some stuff about me not drinking and that I would be careful and whatever else to make it show that I had done my penance and was reborn a responsible clubber. So now that adds to my guilt. I didn't end up going out...not because I felt guilty, turns out latin night was cancelled that night. I couldn't have cancelled on my buddy because then that would have been the third person I flaked on in less than 6 hours. GROAN!!!!!!

I didn't even go into mother guilt...but then this post would never end. We'll save that for another time.

Oblivious

I don't think I was meant to date. Guys are too freaking confusing. What also sucks is that its just too easy to attract them...honestly if you want them, I will send them your way. Wheelin is the one I've been interested in figuring out. There have been a few in the background that I haven't been paying much attention to. One in particular "Suzuki" decided to make his stance a little more known...in case I wasn't figuring out he was interested (this is my best guess of why he would send me the picture below of himself).

Silly me didn't even notice his shorts, till i showed it to BFF. All I saw was chest and abs. Did I mention that Suzuki also sent me this after I declined hanging out with him, because I was too sleepy and busy messing with my fantasy football roster. In which he tried to engage me by asking (via text) who my team was...he obviously doesn't understand fantasy football because I was not about to text the names of all the players in my roster. So I'm assuming the pic was to let me know what I'm missing (or have been missing) out on. He's been trying to make "plans" with me for over 2 months. I don't mind hanging out with him...just not interested sexually. See, single chicks everywhere should probably just hit me over the head. HAHAHA so am I being completely hypocritical....Wheelin has chicks professing their love to him on his fb page...I have dudes sending me half naked pics. The difference is Wheelin doesn't know about the pics...he does know that I've hung out with Suzuki and asked me if I was cheating on him with bike rides, (I love motorcycles, and until I get one I get rides on Wheelin's and Suzuki's bikes). So I'm not completely hiding it... Its just that I really don't have an interest in this guy and he has nothing to worry about. Is that good enough?

I forgot to mention that out of the few people I showed the picture to (here in the real world), the married chicks said to lose Suzuki, the single chicks said that I should hang out with him. Honestly I'm kind of turned off by a guy that has to stoop to try and get my attention.

Old Habits

It always amazes me finding out how people perceive me or others... Sometimes it seems like they're so off base but then I wonder what makes them come to these conclusions. I've been called cold...I was told that by someone who I had known for 14 years. This was a guy I use to hang out with me and the ex on a regular basis. Another guy told me he had no idea how cool I was till we started hanging out post-ex that all he knew was what my ex had said about me, (which turned out to be pretty unflattering). So I've been trying to figure out what the hell it is I'm doing that causes people (mainly guys) to see me so differently. With chicks it seems most of them have a fairly good idea of who I am.
My conclusion is that when I was a kid and guys weren't interested in me...or I was completely unaware...I never cared what they thought. Then as I got older and had some great friends that were guys who all of a sudden after years of friendship started professing their love to me and making the whole thing very awkward it made me realize that maybe I was doing something to encourage this. Once I had a boyfriend I never wanted to give someone a mixed signal so I started treating them differently. Guess I got that clue from the Ex who was worried about one of his buddies "honey hogging" me away from him. Well I wanted Ex to feel secure so I was a bit more standoffish with his friend. Anyone he felt was threat I backed off from. Now that I've been the one screwed over by a "friend" I'm even more standoffish of a guy's friends (the guy I'm seeing). So I'm wondering if I should reprogram myself. It's so automatic that its almost unnoticeable to me that I even do it. Does anyone else understand....does anyone else do this?

The other green monster

Hate being jealous...hate feeling jealous. I use to be really hard on myself about being a jealous person. Always thought it was my fault for feeling insecure. Ex-husband use to get irritated with me for it. We argued for 9 years over a chick that he was friends with. He always told me how they were just friends that he liked talking to her about past stuff, they had crap in common. The chick, wanted nothing to do with me...she made that clear. So for years we despised eachother and he fought to keep her in his life. Got to the point where I ended up telling him to never mention her to me again. I couldn't deal with it, it bothered and hurt me too much. Since I never wanted to give him an ultimatum (hate ultimatums) he kept her around, she lived in another state which was also the reason he didn't understand why it bothered me so much. After 9 years of arguing and coming to tears over this bitch I found out that they were having a relationship. From what I was told it wasn't physical but they pretty much were in love with eachother. I found this a couple weeks after my oldest daughter was born. I was crushed...and told him that it was her or me. Fastforward a few years and he ups and leaves for XBFF.

So now I'm feeling jealous again. Its just too de-ja-vu for me. Freakin Wheelin. Has a chick on his page that is often telling him how much she misses and loves him...and woohoo she's looking for plane tickets to come out and visit him. Turn tail and run sounds like the perfect option right now. Or being childish and posting pics on someone else's crotch rocket sounds like the right course of action. How freaking old am I? When is it ok to be jealous? Who's fault is it? What the hell is going on...?