Mopey me

Ok, this is your warning, you can turn back now, here's your last chance. I'm being pretty mopey and the day just freaking started. This all kind of started yesterday, I was feeling very overwhelmed, with the girls, their homework, my homework, making dinner, trying to put all the weeds I trimmed the day before in garbage bags (we're suppose to have serious wind here today), even the most mundane things were getting to me. My youngest got a spanking for not putting her outfit in the dirty clothes after her 20th reminder. I ended up sending them to their room crying before I flew into a screaming fit. Then I got a hold of BFF to blow off some steam. I hate these day when i feel like I can't handle it all, where everything feels like its just too much and there is no end in sight.

So this morning I talked to Wheelin on the phone. He mentioned that on my fav. morning radio show they had been talking about friends with benefits and he had almost called me because he wanted me to listen to it. Well guess what, I don't like being in a friends with benefits relationship. I feel like a sleezeball. I have nothing against them, they work for a ton of people. My BFF is really good at pulling it off. Me....not so much. I can't separate the two...my feelings and sex just go together. Ugh, I want love. I've been dealing with this whole Wheelin thing just to see what would happen. To see if I could be ok with what me and him are. I'm just not, it drives me crazy, it hurts, it sucks. The other reason I haven't seriously tried to change things is because I couldn't come to terms with what it is I really want from him. Do I want to just be friends (can I go backwards)? Do I want nothing to do with him?

The other part of our conversation this morning was me mentioning that I had a rough night. I didn't give him the details but he came to his own conclusion that my kid's wear me out. He doesn't have kids. He doesn't understand. I'm really sensitive when he talks about my kids. My kids can drive me crazy, crazy thoughts go through my head about how much easier things would have been without them...YES I KNOW THATS HORRIBLE. I would have never had to deal with my ex again. I could have gotten through school easier, and so on. But my girl's are my world. It's because I try so freaking hard to be the best mom that I can that my life is hard. If I was a shitty parent, things would be easier as well...but that isn't an option. My point is that I don't take it well when people say negative things about my kids...or even imply it. I don't think Wheelin is a fan of them, or he isn't a fan of my parenting. When he's around, my kid's behavior is amplified (to me). They also show off because he's there, they're excited and want to get his attention. I need to get him out of my life, think the bad outweighs the good. If you made it to the end of this post...I need advice...or someone to talk to.