Guilt

Guilt happens to be one of the main driving forces in everything I do. Every now and then people feel the need to try and make me feel guiltier about something. I hate guilt trips and hate when people try to use that to influence what I should do. I'm harder on myself than anyone could ever be. Since I've become a mother its been so much worse. I expect A LOT from myself, I think everyone should. I've always wanted to be the best me that I could be, which is probably why I'm constantly trying to figure out why I do things the way I do them and am always working on fixing myself.

I'm feeling especially guilty today. Did a few things yesterday that I'm questioning myself about. First off I felt I should have dealt with the Suzuki pic differently. But I honestly didn't notice "his happy to see himself" issue in his pants. So now I'm stuck on that.

I also decided to get out of going to a soccer game to help Wheelin look for houses. I hate cancelling soccer, feel like I'm breaking my commitment to my team and I know how much it sucks when you can't depend on people showing up. Its already tough to get girls to show up and you have to work so much harder when you don't have a full team. So I checked with the team and they told me that they should be fine. My game would have been right after work and I would have been done by 6:40, but Wheelin asked me to please cancel and he would meet me at my house. I cancel soccer, and after work I'm home waiting for him at about 5:20. Call him, he's no where to be found...text him, I get no response. Now I'm getting irritated. I cancelled something that was important to me and he's no where to be found. I call him and text him again to let him know that if I don't hear from him soon, I'm leaving for my game. Another 20 minutes goes by and I still don't hear anything from him so I leave for soccer. I get there at 6:15, half way through the game and still haven't heard from Wheelin. I'm fuming and my team is losing...nobody is playing defense (which is my spot). After the game I have several irritated voice mails and texts from Wheelin. He felt that I didn't give him enough time to respond to my "ultimatum" of respond to me now or I'm going to soccer messages. He feels that he can't count on me and that I should be more understanding. So now I apparently screwed my team and him over...and I can't get across to him that he screwed up as well. This goes on for a while and while I try and point out that it was a miscommunication, that I thought he would be there when I got off work since this couldn't wait till after my game, I felt I had given him plenty of time...it doesn't get through to him. So we leave it at a stalemate.

I go and meet him and we look at several houses. Afterwards we end up back at his place with his roommate "RonJ" sprawled on the couch with his chick of the day watching a movie. I'm sitting on the love seat with Wheelin who is trying to make himself comfy on this mini couch by laying his 6 foot something frame on it. People that tall cannot lay down on a love seat and be very comfortable....especially with someone else trying to salvage a section of it for their own ass. After a while of watching the movie sideways I decide I'm going to leave. A buddy invited me to check out a new latin nightclub on the strip so I figure that sounds like the better alternative. When I announce that I'm leaving and Wheelin notices that I have clothes to go somewhere else, I informed him that I was going out. He does his best impression of a disapproving father and asks if I think that's wise considering what happened last week?...ok maybe he didn't say all that...it was probably more of a surprised "Really?!?!?", but it sure as hell sounded like all that. I asked how long I was suppose to avoid going out to make up for my major fuck up last week? Pretty sure I also threw in some stuff about me not drinking and that I would be careful and whatever else to make it show that I had done my penance and was reborn a responsible clubber. So now that adds to my guilt. I didn't end up going out...not because I felt guilty, turns out latin night was cancelled that night. I couldn't have cancelled on my buddy because then that would have been the third person I flaked on in less than 6 hours. GROAN!!!!!!

I didn't even go into mother guilt...but then this post would never end. We'll save that for another time.