Putting yourself out there

I have an issue with appearing weak or vulnerable to people. Which is why I'm as anonymous as possible on this blog and nobody in my everyday life knows I write this. My issue right now is I'm still fiddling around with trying to keep some distance from Wheelin. We've been barely communicating for the past few days. I was the one that initiated any texts recently...which is kind of stupid since I'm the one initiating this entire withdrawal (pretty much without his knowledge, that it was even going to happen). So today he initiated contact first, sent me a text regarding fantasy football...a total of 4 texts back and forth total and that was the end of that "conversation". So now I miss him.

I'm trying to figure out what I'm missing, or better why I'm missing him. I'm blogging to keep from texting him that I miss him. I'm holding back because I'm the one that normally caves and sends that mushy crap then feel stupid when its not reciprocated. He normally just sends something back acknowledging he received the text. So I have this internal battle of not wanting to hold back how I feel and not wanting to be vulnerable. It would be easier if I knew without a doubt that he felt the same way towards me that I did toward him. He has told me time and time again that I don't give him enough credit for his feelings toward me. Ugh...back to what am I missing. Do I miss Wheelin or do I miss having someone that is interested in my life, someone to talk to about the most mundane things with, someone to talk about new things the girls did, or the funny things the dogs do. Or am I missing him because he's so funny, he is the only one that stands up to me and tells me if I'm coming up with excuses to get out of something, he inspires me, I love the way he smells, kisses, I miss his goofiness, miss the way he stops in the middle of something just to stare blankly and figure out his next move, I miss wrestling matches.

When things ended with Buffer, it took a matter of minutes to completely forget about him. I looked up one day and realized months had passed since we last spoke. So is this different...? I think too freaking much