Ugh, I don't know what I'm doing

So, I've been dating R6 for almost 5 months now. Wheelin decided to stop talking to me. R6 was fine with Wheelin and I being friends as long as we didn't sleep together. Wheelin wanted nothing to do with me once R6 came in the picture. So that pretty much sums up that portion of the drama (details may come at another time). So R6 is great, he treats me awesome. He's tried to be my Mr. Fix-It when it comes to almost anything I may need. He's brought me lunch almost every single week, once a week. He gets a real kick out of my kids, and they really like him. This summer has been really tough for both of us, my best friend of 17 years died suddenly on July 15...tomorrow he would have turned 34. R6's room mate and best friend died in a motorcycle accident on August 8. R6 has a 7 month old son, turns out his son has West Syndrome and he may not live past the age of 10. It's been one horrible thing after another. Through all this we've been there for each other.

The problem....R6 has a best friend who is a chick (we'll call her Tigger CBR). So not only is she over often but they also work together. I had no problems with her...until I invited one of my really good chick friends over to hang out at his pool and he had Tigger CBR over as well. When me and my friend came inside to dry the kids off, R6 and her went outside and were there talking for a while until I went out and grabbed what I needed to leave. The following time, I went out with my same friend and R6 asked me to come over afterward. At 2am when I was done I went to his house and Tigger CBR was still there with him, so I just kept driving. They'll go grocery shopping together, riding together, work on bikes together. R6 asked me if I would mind having my ex watch the girl's Saturday night so I can help R6 move....I asked the ex to babysit...then he asks if I want to go riding with him Friday night with him and Tigger CBR. Told him that we should schedule it for a day after he's moved, since I'm giving up time to be with my kids to help him out, I didn't see why we would go riding (Tigger CBR is the one who wanted to go riding). During the move he takes an antenna and sticks it between Tigger CBR's legs...he says he did it to his male friend as well(I must have missed that). On Saturday he got really upset with her...they were suppose to run some errands and work on a motorcycle together, when he went to her house to pick her up he saw her blinds close and she wouldn't open the door. He became furious (guess she has a boy toy) and he felt screwed over because she didn't give him a heads up and he wasted his time going over there. So he told me basically he wanted nothing to do with her and that he didn't want to be friends with someone he couldn't depend on. (Idiot me) told him that if this was the first time she had done this he should calm down and wait to make a decision after he's spoken with her (at this point he was ignoring her phone calls). He told her to come over...she never showed up. Last night was my last straw, (second to last straw) while R6 was at work I invited him over for dinner. He said he would let me know if he could get away. Two hours later he tells me sorry about MIA. I thought he was apologizing for being Missing In Action...he was actually apologizing that my Miami Dolphins were doing so bad. Then he proceeds to tell me that he's at a BBQ joint talking with Tigger CBR. He never told me he wasn't coming over or that he finally got a hold of her and they were going to talk. I was pretty ticked off. Texting ensues:

Another way you didn't keep your word...you said you were going to let me know if you could get away. Guess I found out, when you told me you were with Tigger CBR
Uh

Hey u there
Yeah. Was I suppose to respond to "uh"
I am going to call in a second
I don't want to talk
what
(he calls, I don't answer)
Really

Next day:
6:16am: Ok, ready to talk when you are
9:59am: Hello
10:13am: Hi
10:25am: Sleeping txt later
10:26am: Ok
1:48pm: I'm gonna go out on a limb and guess that you're awake by now.
1:54pm: Working out
2:00pm: Got it
2:03pm: Just trying to give you space cause I feel like that's what you want
2:04pm: Ok, guess it's always better to assume than ask
2:06pm: Then babe, what is it that you want cause nit picking is crazy
2:08pm: You're right. Sucks on my end too. Space is probably best
2:14pm: If that's what you want

Whatever you want to tell me, feel free. I don't want him to choose between his friend and me...seriously. I told him that before he told me that she was there before me and that she would be there after me. What I truly feel is that I should just walk away, I've mastered walking away. He needs a chick that is perfectly fine with him flirting and having such a close female friend. There are a ton of girls out there like that, I've talked to them. I don't understand them...but I think that's great for them. I just don't have any idea how to do that. NONE.

Tough

Things have become pretty difficult. So much has been going on. First off, Wheelin is in a really bad depression. We kissed and made up....he was trying to be more what I wanted. I went out of town with him Memorial Day Weekend, we had a great relaxing time. R6 knows ALL about Wheelin. The night before I went out of town, R6 and I had a long talk. I told him everything because I wasn't very concerned if he turned around and walked away or not. I almost wanted him too. Instead he told me that we're all grown adults, we hadn't made a commitment to each other and that basically he really liked me. I started to like R6 even more. Wheelin's depression is getting worse.

June 10th and 11th, I spent pretty much the entire time with Wheelin....talking. He realizes he never gave us a shot because there were a few things holding him back. He thought I was going to hurt him (by possibly cheating). He didn't want to come into my girl's lives and have them hate him because he's a lot stricter than me, he doesn't like the way they run me over when he's around. He also isn't a fan of how unclean my house is. After we talked about these things he realized he should have talked to me about them a while ago. In the end we truly, deeply care about each other and he feels he is being replaced by R6. That he really likes being the man in me and the girl's lives. We both cried Thursday night. It was gut wrenching. I was so mad and frustrated. For over a year all I wanted was a chance. Now that someone else came along he realizes what he's losing. Then I also start thinking that it may just be the depression and jealousy that's clouding his judgement. Am I willing to risk giving R6 a shot because I so badly wanted to try things out with Wheelin? Wheelin asked me twice...if I could have anything I wanted what would I pick. Both times I told him I would pick R6. I also told him ideally I could squish the two of them together and have the perfect guy. Ideally me and Wheelin would work out and live happily ever after, but somehow that almost feels as unreal as squishing the two of them together to make one person.

We slept together that Friday night, knowing that that would most likely be the last time. So how crazy is it that I almost don't want things to work with R6? R6 is practically too good to be true and I am a believer that anything too good to be true usually isn't. I want Wheelin to snap out of it. Realize that he was right, that me and him should only be friends. Instead he's decided he wants to disappear from my life for a bit. That he can't handle knowing I'm with R6 at this time. I'm heart broken. I'm losing a really good friend and someone I care about deeply, for a shot at a relationship with someone that I don't know very well. I'm also terrified of putting and end to R6 and me...to go running to Wheelin for him to realize he never wanted me that way. That he was just lonely and scared of losing someone who cared about him.

It's been almost two weeks. Wheelin is barely speaking to me. My father had major surgery 3 days ago (He was moderate to high risk). I'm getting behind in school. BFF has practically dropped out of my life. I'm struggling a bit here with my choice.

9 Reasons he's still single

The one's in bold are what I believe to be Wheelin's excuses. Rich doesn't have these.

His 9 Reasons for Being Single
Why are you still single? Marie Claire's male dating blogger lists nine possible reasons for his own single status.

By Rich Santos

No matter who you are, dating and meeting interesting people is a challenge. Maybe this is why dating is so intriguing. There are legitimate reasons for not dating (for example, you've been hurt physically or mentally and you need to learn to trust again) or excuses such as "I'm working on my career," even though you're not really working on your career.

I recently pondered why I'm still single and wondered: "Am I clinging to these reasons as excuses to keep me from taking on the challenge of dating, or to avoid my fear of rejection?" Here are some of the reasons I give myself when thinking about why I am still single:

1. I'm "Unique" and Tough to Get Along With
Maybe I have strange interests and I'm not a "mainstream" kind of guy, so the number of women that connect with me is limited. I'm not always eager to compromise. I fear I'm turning into the reclusive artist type, enjoying solitude and reveling in bitterness.

2. I Value My Independence
I enjoy being able to do what I want, whenever I want. I'm bad enough budgeting my own time, so being aware of someone else's time in addition to mine seems daunting.

3. My Last Relationship Scared Me
I'm assuming that every other girl I meet will be like my ex-girlfriend, who got too serious too quickly.

4. My Parents' Split Scared Me
When my parents split up when I was 8, it took a big piece out of me. Every year I wonder if I'm over it, or if I'm still damaged from the trauma.

5. I've Got Issues with Sex
In fact, I was told by a professional to see a sex therapist. I have never enjoyed sex; I'm worried that I'm not satisfying my partner, or that I'll do something wrong.

6. I Haven't Met the Right Girl
I'm like Simon on American Idol: always finding something in someone to annoy me. I am rarely intrigued by a girl these days. But perhaps I'm too picky, and I'm judging too quickly. My one female friend tells me that she thinks I'm staying out of the game because I don't want drama in my life. Trust me, I'm capable of creating enough drama on my own so perhaps she's right that I can't handle more. She says the "drama-free" girl is out there, and that's when I'm going to give things a shot.

7. Kids Scare Me
I've learned about child-rearing after my nieces were born. Right now, I have it great: I'm the cool uncle and I don't have to do any serious parenting stuff. And sometimes I look around the world, and I wonder why I should bring a child into it in light of all of the bad things that happen.

8. I Don't Want to Grow Up
I've always been on the slow track with growing up. I feel like there's so much to learn out there, and I don't want the responsibility of a serious relationship.

9. It Rarely Works Out Anyway
I'm embellishing a bit, but I've gotten addicted to that Discovery ID Channel and its true crime documentaries. The last few weeks, I've seen murder, adultery, and deceit all over these shows. And if I switch to my other favorite channel, ESPN, I see similar stories like Tiger Woods. So what's the point?

Some of these reasons may be legitimate, but even I can admit that they should not prevent me from dating. Dating is about overcoming fears. We are putting ourselves out there: like going on a job interview, or auditioning for a gig. I'm also assuming the worst — not every girl will get too serious, maybe I'll learn to enjoy sex, my close-minded approach might be letting great girls get away, and just because I go on a few dates doesn't mean I'm going to end up with a kid.

My life is littered with challenges I avoided: academics, college soccer, etc. I may have had the talent to take on the those challenges, but there was always some excuse or excuses that I identified for not giving it a shot, along with a fear of rejection. If we can differentiate excuses from legitimate reasons, we might take on more challenges, and we might even be able to get out there and do some healthy dating.

mean

His response

I'm not upset over your new boy. I'm upset because this was our deal, and I wanted us to finish it together. YOU were the one approaching me to buy the ninja. We agreed that I would help you find a bike like the ninja and do what I did to the Ninja to your bike together, helping to bring it to working order. You agreed to that. I told you it might take a little while, but it would be worth the money saved. You said ok... If you wanted a bike that you could ride soon, then why did you agree to what we said to do? Why didn't you go find your own bike that was working, and paid more money for it on your own? Its like you just used me to obtain the thing, then you go and do whatever you please. That is why this was our deal, so when it comes down to it, you come first.

Calling me to ask if I was ok with it getting finished, would have shown me that you were at least thinking about my feelings. But you didn't call, you didn't even consider my feelings, you were only concerned with yourself, and spending time with your new boy, and look! here's an opportunity to do that AND get my bike going, and that is what hurts the most, when it comes down to it, you come first. IT feels like you are replacing me.

"No I didnt realize you were that excited over working on the bike." How you missed this is completely beyond me.. So please tell me what I WAS excited about then... I even told you the first AND second Saturday we were working on it together, "I'm really excited about getting your bike working." How much more fucking plain do I need to be? Do I need to find a way to put the words in a syringe and inject them into you so that I make sure you received it? All this tells me is that you don't pay any attention, and when it comes down to it, you come first

Your email isn't helping at all either. "by allowing someone who is very experienced with bikes help me work on mine" Nice. So now this guy is the be all end all of experience on bikes, therefore everything should be ok, and I especially should be ok with anything he does because of that, oh yeah and also i'm not experienced either. Then of course you had to turn around into you, about how I joke around about other women. How is that supposed to help me deal with this situation? Then why did you bring it up?

Lastly, all of this I have done for you. I've received absolutely nothing for any of it. In fact if anything its cost me. I gave you expensive free parts, bought you lunch, used my gas, used my expertise and knowledge to find the thing AND go look at it, then make a decision if it was worthwhile to buy, negotiated the deal for you, haul it around for you, take it to your house, use my tools, lend my tools, lend my time, show you how to take things apart, show you where things are supposed to go, meticulously go through parts on the bike with you to make sure when it goes back together that it works and it will stay that way for a long time, get you discounts on parts, tell you what you need, show you where to buy things, use more time, get the thing almost put together, not to mention that if I would have just decided to keep it for myself and not let you know about it, I could have put some much needed money in my pocket. I'm sure you would have been completely understanding about that too wouldn't you. so please EXCUUUUSE me that maybe the reward I was looking forward to, was completeting something I did with my friend together from start to finish, and the smile it brought to her face when it was all done and working, as I set her off on her first ride down the street on her new bike (sure this moments probably passed too, thanks R6) as my only reward, yet it being all I really would need, and made the whole thing worth it...

But when it comes down to it, you come first.

Wheelin may be done

Remember how I told you that Wheelin was working on my bike with me lately? Well I've had my bike for over a month, we just kept missing eachother to work on the bike. We've hung out almost everyday that I don't have my kids, we're still running. We missed a couple of days running because he had friends come in from out of town and he invited me to hang out with them...so I did. After I hung out with Wheelin I would meet up with R6. R6 is really growing on me. He treats me exactly how I want to be treated. Well Friday, I'd been telling Wheelin all day how I wanted to work on my bike. He wasn't feeling well and up for it so I left his house around 8pm and went home. Called up R6, he brought over beer and the two of us worked on my bike and got everything done. The next morning Wheelin called me wanting to know if I wanted to work on my bike. When I told him, it was all done, he got mad. Later in the day I asked him what I could do to fix it. His response is in the first line of the following email I just sent him. He is ignoring me and hasn't spoken to me since saturday morning.

Hi,

You texted me “Nothing is going to change it. Nothing will change anything. I’m really upset with you”. I never would have thought that our friendship was that conditional, especially lately when everything had been going so well. You told me just the other day that I was one of your closest friends here in town. I messed up, by allowing someone that is very experienced in bikes help me work on mine. My bike was our project. No, I didn’t realize you were that excited about working on it. I was thrilled with the bike you helped me find and buy, it’s been over a month and I really wanted it done. No matter what you will always be the person that helped me get my first bike, don’t think it was worth it now if it’s going to cost me our friendship. Are you really ignoring me and this upset with me because you didn’t get to help me change my oil and put in the lowering links?

You wanted me aware that I didn’t push my friends away, because of a guy coming into my life. I have that running through my head regularly. I have made time for you and hung out with you almost every day that I didn’t have my kids. Wheelin, this past year you have meant a lot to me…at some times, you meant too much. Have you not noticed the impact you’ve had?

I don’t like how easily you get upset with me. You’ve told me how I’ve disrespected you lately, whether it was while running or when it comes to R6. I’ve told you how I found you commenting on chicks to me, at every opportunity was disrespectful; I even got upset with you when you commented on my facebook pic regarding how cute my friend was and how I needed to grow my hair out. Who do you think ended up reprogramming that time? Wheelin, I don’t even try to bring you around my friends because of it. I don’t want to hear how big their tits are, how hot they are or when can we have a threesome together. I have brought this up several times. I’m sorry if wanting to quit running and whining through it is disrespect to you, right after you ask me not to.

So far, R6 is a really great guy. I was hoping you two would get to meet soon, doesn’t seem like that’s going to happen now. I don’t completely understand why you’re “sensitive” about me hanging out with him. For over a year I’ve wanted to be with you. You chose what you felt was the best option for you…I’m not considered a possibility for years. Even then I would have been just a possibility, pretty slim odds. I knew it would be tough or near impossible for me to be friends with you, but I tried reprogramming anyway. I didn’t think it would be you that would let something like this get in the way of us being friends. If you’re done with me, let me know.

***UPDATE*** His response, via text: "I'm really hurt, sad and irritated with you. You're email did not help at all"

***UPDATE*** His response after I didn't respond: "I'm not trying to ignore you, and I'm not done with you, but it will be awhile before I'm ok about stuff, sure you won't hesitate to fill your free time with R6 anyway"
my response "Keep me posted"

Texting Wheelin

Me: You're acting a lil paranoid
Wheelin: I sounded paranoid on the phone?
Me: Yeah....about not hearing from me.
Wheelin: I just wanna make sure I make time for it and plan it with you since its important to you.
Me: I understand, but I figured we already set it up and if you changed your mind or didn't feel like it you would let me know today.
Me: Did you want to know if I hung out with R6 last night?
Wheelin: I knew you did there was no reason to ask.
Me: If you say so.

Me: I need to ask, when we have sex...is it just sex for you?
Me: Know you're a guy...so its easier to seperate that stuff, so I'm wondering.
Wheelin: I dunno. What else would it be? Its definitly not running
Me: Thought you said it was like sex and that's why I would like it
Wheelin:Hahahaha!! Did I??? Umm it sure is!!!
Wheelin: Can you elaborate on what you're asking a little more so I can answer your question?
Me: I was just throwing stuff around in my head this morning...one was why haven't I stopped sleeping with you and more importantly why don't I. One answer was that I wasn't ready to stop feeling that close to you. Then I thought that probably a chick thing.
Wheelin: I could see that. I didn't identify that like you did, but I would say I feel the same way, probably a little why I'm sensitive! Bc I'm not ready either
Me: I passed accounting with an A
Wheelin: Take it you didn't like my answer and changed the subject?....Good job!!!
Me: I liked your answer...I just don't know what else to say.
Wheelin: I think we communicate so much better than we used to. Also notice how I asked you to clarify something so I made sure I would answer it, you used yo say id never answer questions remember? Hopefully you see I'm doing better with that.
Me: You are doing a lot better with that...we are communicating better. You use to give me a joke response and that would be the end if it. This time we joked but went back to topic

Me: Is there anything I can do to help you not be sensitive about this? He's not replacing you.
Wheeling: Nothing you can do. And you shouldn't have to. Its my deal.

"31 things I wish I'd known about dating when I was 21"

Found this on MSN lifestyle. Not sure I agree with all of it, but it was definately interesting.

1. If you're confused about whether a guy likes you or not, that's probably not good. Confusion in romance belongs only in romantic comedies because it suspends the plot, but suspense in real life sucks. So try not to analyze the events. The truth will reveal itself without you having to do anything.

2. Sometimes guys flirt with you or pay attention to you because it makes them feel good about themselves. (Hey, we do it, too.)

3. Even a guy who will admit that you're better looking than him should still be able to tell you you're beautiful. If he holds back in order to control the situation, or to keep you, or keep you down, he's got issues.

4. Don't help him ask you out by texting him something nice or polite. I'm glad you're more outgoing and thoughtful than he is, but he doesn't want the help.

5. Guys want to get busy more than anything. They'll say anything to close the deal.

6. It's shocking how much guys will talk about marriage. Until there's a ring on your finger, it will be better for you if you pretend you're deaf.

7. It's better not to lift a finger in the beginning.

8. In the early stages, giving him presents is too much. Generosity looks desperate to guys. You may be a great shopper and gift-wrapper; it may be his birthday and you may be wild about birthdays — even still, he'll think you're just wild about him. Too wild.

9. Guys just do not think like girls. I wish I'd had a brother. Real boys are nothing like the boys in movies.

10. They might take a decade to mature. Don't hope they'll grow up or be ready in the next six months.

11. Even if your family thinks there's going to be a marriage, don't let them spoil your guy. Yes, he's grateful you gave him your car when he moved out of NYC, but he would rather have had to work for it.

12. Learn to cook. Learn to cook well. I see now that it would have won me a lot of points. A LOT.

13. Just because he might be smarter than you or more talented at certain things doesn't mean he's your servant and won't mind doing all your homework/research/chores.

14. Guys get resentful, too.

15. You're special, unique, and important, but you're not a princess — no matter what Daddy says (although for the record, my dad calls me "Erin").

16. It's okay to say no. It's more than okay. It's always okay. If he stops calling (and many, many, many will), you're only weeding out the guys who aren't truly interested in you as a person. Time saved!

17. Playing it safe guarantees you'll have more time and energy to think about your grades or your work. Less drama in your life will always be better and healthier for you.

18. You deserve to be treated like a human being.

19. Your wants and needs are just as important as his, and if you don't express them because you think it will scare him away, then you're saying you don't count as much as he does.

20. Even sophisticated people with professional jobs can have tempers or hit you or use foul language. I've known men who dressed like diplomats but they were ugly human beings.

21. You can't force chemistry. If you like him as a friend, the attraction might grow, but if it doesn't, don't force it. And don't waste his time.

22. Ease up on the sauce. Alcohol clouds your judgment.

23. No boyfriend-girlfriend relationship starts with a 1 a.m. booty text.

24. When a guy has taken you to Applebee's five times and you say you want to treat him, he'll be psyched. But secretly he'll freak out if you take him to Ruth's Chris, even just the one teeny time. Don't try to match him one Ruth's Chris for five Applebee's. Take him out, but go to T.G.I. Friday's.

25. Women love attention. A guy needs to be pretty crazy about you in order for him to pay enough attention to make you happy long-term.

26. My mom always said, "Men don't think." I thought she meant, "They are mistaken in their thoughts." But they're just not thinking anything at all. About you. They're watching the game. That's why they haven't called.

27. There should be a medium ground between workaholism and his absolute devotion. "The knight departing for new adventures offends his lady, yet she has nothing but contempt for him if he remains at her feet" (Simone de Beauvoir, The Second Sex, 658).

28. Never underestimate the quality of "interesting." Men want someone interesting. They really do. Find some hobbies.

29. What are you hoping to gain by hooking up with this guy? If the answer is "him," that's a bad deal for you. "The woman gives herself, the man adds to himself by taking her" (de Beauvoir 659).

30. Expectations? They'll ruin every dating experience you have.

31. You will never understand men. Just try to understand yourself.

Please

Dating Dilemna

I haven't had a boyfriend for a long time. I kept saying that I haven't had a boyfriend for three years, technically thats not true. Three years ago I had a husband, he was my husband for 5 years and we were married after we were together for almost seven years. So in all honesty I haven't had a boyfriend in a minimum of eight years. Why all this background...because I realized I'm having a case of commitment phobia.
R6 really likes me. He knows I'm going to a military ball with Wheelin tonight. So he sent me the following text:
"So I got to ask and more than likely I know it's not my business and you can tell me if it's not but this guy u are going with thonight, is he someone I got to worry about and forgive me but I don't know how to make it sound better than that but I would kinda like you for myself if this continues to get better and better every time we spend together"
This kinda scared me.

Flowers

R6 sent me flowers (pic above)! I haven't received flowers in a while...I love them. The card read "Hope you had a good time last night, can't wait to see you again, I hope this brightens your day. From" R6. One of the girls at work pointed out how funny it would be if something came out of me and R6, since I met R6 through the whole motorcycle thing that Wheelin helped me out with.

I love when guys send flowers, for no reason. He dropped me off at my home at 11:45pm last night and went to teach motorcycle classes at 7am this morning. During that time he found a way to get my work address and get me flowers. I love when people go out of their way for you. Sorry, kinda mushy right now.

First date with R6

So, I met R6 back in November when I took my motorcycle safety course to get my motorcycle endorsement. I thought he was a cutie pie, he's a massive man....like a big country boy. He gave his number to the entire class in case we were running late to class or if we needed anything related in the future. I remember being attracted to him, that even Wheelin had asked if there was anyone in the class worth writing home about and I mentioned the cutie to him. Well on Mother's day I decided to text him and see if they offer any refresher courses. I just bought my first bike and I haven't driven one since that November class. R6 remembered me, (apparently not many people ask the instructors to take pictures of them while taking the class), he also remembered me as the "good looking one". He offered to give me a lesson again and that I could use the class bike. The only catch was that I would have to take him out to dinner. Think he felt bad about asking for dinner and ended up telling me that he would teach me regardless. I offered to take him out.
Yesterday was the night of our first date I asked him to meet me at the top of the Cannery (local casino), I don't like letting people know where I live right off the bat. I sent him a couple of texts 30 minutes before we're suppose to meet...never hear anything back. I show up at 6:30 on the dot and text him letting him know I'm there....never hear anything back. I wait 15 minutes and leave. I go home and eat. At 7:10 I get a call from him (this is 40 minutes after we were suppose to meet), he asks me where I was, that he was there and I never showed up. I call bullshit. Turns out....I assummed he knew I meant meet at the top floor of the parking garage...NOT the top floor of the actual hotel. He waited for me for 30 minutes. After I cracked up and told him I already ate, he says that we are going to try this again. He gives me the option of picking me up from home or meeting me at the new location. Told him I didn't want him to get confused again and that he could pick me up at home.
I had such a good time with him. He was really sweet and a complete gentleman. He had me cracking up and he's brutally honest which was awesome. After hanging out at the bar and grill we went for a ride on his bike to overlook the city and then he took me home. I'm pretty excited.

P.S. He didn't let me pay for anything.

Single Dating Moms Out There?

I was asked the other day by a guy "So why does a good looking girl like you not have a boyfriend?", it's not the first time I've been asked. I've been technically single for three years now. I know the question is just a line to get more info, but it makes me wonder as well. Why have I been single for 3 years now? My initial thought is just that I have kids, and because I'm committed to them I don't have a ton of time for guys. I fill the role of temp girlfriend better for most guys....or cool chick to hang out with once a week. Of course this isn't the answer I give to the interviewers...it's more along the lines of "I took time off from guys, then got busy". I'm so freaking busy its ridiculous. I also feel like I can't slow down, I keep adding and hardly taking anything away from my obligations.

How do most single mom's date? Is it normal for guys to not want anything serious with you because 1) You have kids 2)You have an ex-husband you have to deal with regularly 3) You're too busy, and because you have kids you can't just go out whenever....or any combination of these. It could just be something with me, but I don't see how guys keep popping in, but nothing comes out of it.

Damn Bike

Ugh! So I've been hanging out with Chess. Nothing long term is going to end up of that. He is too judgemental of people, it really bothers me. The other MAJOR thing is he has a tiny package. So tiny I knew it was tiny without him even taking his pants off....if you're grinding with someone and getting hot and heavy and you can't feel a damn thing that's a bad sign. Can we read that again and say "hypocrite"! Yeah, I know....but if you have ever fallen for someone with a great size package and then the next person that comes along is small....it just doesn't work. If I really liked him it would make a HUGE difference. Since I don't, it just doesn't work.

Wheelin knows about Chess, (not the package part). So, is it coincidence that all of a sudden Wheelin is hanging around more often? First he invited me to a military dance (ball). Then he helped me find a motorcycle, we've been working on the bike together wed/thurs/fri/sat. Finally I started the couch to 5k program so I could do the toughmudder in October, well Wheelin offered to help train with me for that too...so we ran together 3 times last week. I told Wheelin that Chess was a great distraction in helping me get over him. So should I look at all this as Wheelin thinks I'm finally in the friend zone and we can hang out more....even though we did sleep together twice in the past few weeks. I know!!!!! I'm a fucking idiot, but I can't start to think that he's jealous and trying to win me over....I can't think that way, it just gives me false hope. I have to remind myself, that I like him way more than he likes me and that I don't want that!

Fucking Chess!!!! If he had a bigger pawn we would probably be a lot better off!

P.S. The pic above is what my bike looks like.

For Real this Time

I'm truly over Wheelin. Yes, I just mentioned him in my last post....but thats only because we still text occasionally. I'm trying the whole friendship thing. It's nothing like the type of friends we were...but oh well. So, how do I know its for real this time.........well the letter really helped, but what truly did it is (of course the cowardly way that I've been avoiding) I started hanging out with someone else. We'll call him Chess. I've known Chess for over a year, actually met him a few months before I met Wheelin. I just tried searching my blog for him to see if I've ever mentioned him and I can't find him anywhere. Chess I just considered a friend and off limits for a few reasons. 1. He's 6 years younger than me. 2. He was my boss' daughter's boyfriend for two-three months. 3. I thought he was uptight. So, I never put him in that category.

I have hung out with him once every few months. I love to go salsa/merengue dancing, he's a great dancer. So he's called and invited me out. I've always had a great time with him. About a month ago, we went out, he picked me up and we had some drinks. I had a few too many and I decided to kiss him. We ended up having a make-out session. Now we've hung out at least once a week, this past weekend he took me up to his granparents place in UT and I got to go snowboarding. He hung out in the lodge. I'm not sure whats going to happen with him....but it has helped me with the Wheelin situation.

Keeping it Casual List

My favorite morning radio (Marc and Mercedes at Mix 94.1) show was talking about a list located at radio alice about things a guy should never do if he wants to keep a relationship casual. I sent a text to Wheelin right away telling him that he should be listening to.

#9. Never tell her you miss her.

#8. Never take her out on romantic dates.

#7. Never tell her you’re being exclusive with her physically.

#6. Never take care of her when she’s sick.

#5. Never talk about how special she is, or how much you like her.

#4. Never introduce her to your family or friends.

#3. Never make plans for the future, especially travel plans.

#2. Never cook for her, give her massages, or do anything else a boyfriend would.

#1. Never spend more than two nights a week together.

The ones in bold, are the ones Wheelin did. He cooked for me almost every time I went to his. Gave me a massage pretty much every time he saw me, etc....

Hahahahaha he never responded.

Need You Now

Careful what you wish for

I got my response from Wheelin:

Re: hi cont.....‏
From: wheelin
Sent: Thu 3/11/10 5:51 PM
To: cornered

I actually hadn't read this email, I opened it but it wasn't read so that must be why I haven't responded sorry about that.

Glad you focus on yourself. When I tell you to focus on yourself, i'm talking about bettering yourself, I think you when you think of focusing on yourself, you think of it as spending time with yourself, or on yourself. Thats only part of what I'm saying. When I focus on myself its about solving my own deals. I think I spend more on the problem solving part of myself, ie fixing me, and you spend more on the party time, having fun, part of focusing on yourself. We could probably (well at least I could, you will probably disagree like usual) switch roles and fill the other half of the jar and it would be good for ourselves, me having fun, you fixing stuff.

I really do want you to find someone for yourself. Me not wanting to lose you boils down to two things. I'm afraid that when you find someone you will just blow me off. You probably will anyway, but I worry about you doing that. I think you will get really into your guy and not really focus on others as much. I like hanging out with you. I want you to be happy and move forward toward whatever goals you have with your family and what not. I still feel the same as always in that we have a connection, but right now I'm not ready for what you want. I couldn't see a possibility between us for years. I just want you to be happy. I want you to find someone who makes you happy, for the right reasons too. YOu deserve someone who respects you. It seems like there aren't alot of people in your life who really do, and I think that should be the first thing that someone offers you. At the same time I don't want this person to "take you away" from me. I don't like when girls basically lose friends because of their boyfriends or whatever. I believe people need lives and friends outside their relationships, and I hope that I will still be a part of yours.

Once you went kinda crazy in hawaii, it changed things for me. I trusted you unconditionally up to that point. And while you were there you showed me that you can be truly selfish and not care at all about how you are effecting someone else, while you are experiencing whatever you're experiencing at that time. Only when you pop out of "it" is when you kinda get back to normal and show some compassion. I don't really like that trait in someone. To me its a lack of self control, of selfishness, of disregard, and I do know that I never let myself get to that point out of respect. I've learned about myself that respect is pretty essential to everything with me. Its the basis which most things seem to be built. When you did that to me, you truly disrespected my feelings. Thats only half of it, if someone disrespecteed my feelings then realized and apoligized on their own, I'm pretty much good to go after that. But you didn't, it took me convincing you for you to apoligize, even then you didn't say you did anything wrong. These are very very big components of me and my relations to other people. I'm sure among other things they help keep me from seeing possiblities with you. and i'm NOT saying that if you change them, that I will. I'm just saying they're a big deal to me. Once that happened I felt I couldn't depend on you. I pushed you away to defend myself. You kinda re-affirmed it the night you got the dogs. You admitted to me that you will not take risk, are not open to trying new things, and that you will make your future decisions pretty much solely based on what has happened to you in the past. Now I just don't feel as close to you. I don't know what you will do. YOu can't give me any reassurance that you want me around in the future. You can only tell me that you will conditionally want me around based on if I want to be with you. ...

i'm going to go get under the covers

That completely tore me up. But I so needed to hear it. This is only the second time I've read it since he sent it to me and it sucks just as much this time as it did the first time I read it. So there it is, in black and white. Nothing is going to happen between us and I suck. Biggest problem, I have no idea how to fix myself. I keep trying to remind myself that this is what I wanted....that if he didn't love me and want to be with me, I wanted to hear that. I wanted/needed something to move on. But it sucks, it makes me feel like crap. We talked that night, I kept choking up and telling him that I couldn't talk about it then. I have tears in my eyes now. I've felt broken soooo many times. Each time I think about this letter, I just feel like it confirms it.

My letter

I wrote Wheelin a letter....over two weeks ago. No response, I asked him today if he could give me an idea of when I might reveive one, because it was important to me. His response "Ok, I dunno when I can respond. That requires me to sit down for a minute. Will work on it ok. I understand its important." Sometimes I wonder how I would look at myself if I was a reader of this blog instead of the writer....

Here's the letter:

hi‏
From: Cornered
Sent: Mon 2/22/10 5:00 PM
To: Wheelin

I guess one of the hardest things for me, (the part that makes me feel the worst), is that it seems like I'm good enough to sleep with, talk to and hang out with.....but not for anything else. Thats why I've tried to cut the sex part out....problem is, I really like having sex and its nice to do with someone I trust. So thats part of the back and forth on that.

What I was trying to explain last night is that I've taken a lot of crap in relationships in the past. Anything that has hurt me, I try to make sure that I never do to someone else. Yeah, my ex husband screwed me over a couple of times with his female "friends". I know how it felt constantly trying to trust him and believe him that they were just friends, when so many things told me otherwise. I know I wouldn't do that to someone else. Guess I've just kept it really black and white on my end. Having someone in my life that I have cared about and been intimate with would be completely foreign to me....while I have a boyfriend. This one is still on the table.

I can reprogram. Just trying to figure out if I really want to. The longer I've thought about it the more I've become open to it. Guess another tough part for me is that you sit there and give me hope sometimes of something happening between us...then other times you tell me to look at it as hopeless.

I've been single for 3 years now. I know how to be a mom, I feel like I don't know how to be a girlfriend and I definately don't know how to combine the two. I'm not looking for a husband or a father for my girls. I really just wanted someone who loves me and wants to only be with me.

hi cont.....‏
From: Cornered
Sent: Wed 2/24/10 10:31 AM
To: Wheelin

Ok, so here are the few things I ran out of time to add to my last email, the other day. You told me you wanted me to concentrate on myself. I do. On my days with the girls, all I mainly do is hang out with them and enjoy my time doing things with them. I hardly talk to anyone on the phone and pretty much concentrate on them. Yes, we have our bad days sometimes, but we have a lot of good ones too. On my days without them, its all about me and whatever I want to do. Soccer, gym, dancing, school, snowboarding, traveling, hanging with friends...whatever. I've gone on at least one vacation a year with a friend, to places that I've always wanted to go to. I'm having a great time, and same with the kids...I have bad times as well. =) Think thats part of the reason why I mention that I don't know how to be a girlfriend again...I can't help but look at being someone's girlfriend as a huge restriction on doing whatever I please, whenever I want to. I've gotten very use to my freedom and I enjoy not answering to anyone. Think that may be part of the reason why I use to get defensive when you would ask what I did or question me on who I did things with. My main point is that I do concentrate on myself.

I do worry and care about my friends and loved ones. Especially when I feel there are unresolved issues. I'm not a fan of drama in my life...so I like to get things fixed that I feel are up in there air. I'm not a chick that has to have a man in my life....I think you may have the wrong idea about me when it comes to that. Thats why every guy I've met up until now I told them I didn't want anything serious, I just wanted to have fun. It's also the reason why I can keep pushing you away. If I had to have a guy in my life at all times, the last thing I would do is try to get rid of the closest guy in my life right now. Even though we haven't talked a ton on the phone lately, I still have talked to you on the phone more than I've talked to anyone else. Just realized you've told me to concentrate on myself, then you've also told me that I never asked you what you wanted and that I have been inconsiderate of your feelings. Again I'm sorry for being inconsiderate.

You mentioned you're easy to talk to...thats not true, when it comes to me trying to talk to you. The majority of the time I talk to you, I never get a straight point blank answer. Then I normally end up walking away more confused than before. You rarely just answer a question...you usually spin it or ask me more questions about it. Thats why some topics are brought up repeatedly. If I knew the answers I would be done with it. It's beyond frustrating. It falls into the same category when I told you that you don't make sense to me. You say one thing, then you contradict it the next, then your actions are on another level. You've told me how you were bothered when I told you I was going to start dating people, how you didn't want to lose me to someone else, how you had feelings for me, how you don't make sense "based on how (you) treat (me), look at (me), and how things ACTUALLY are". How are/were things actually? Because in the next breath you push me away, telling me how you want me to find someone better, you want me to be done "liking (you) like that, future with us, pursing (you)". You've pushed me away more lately than you ever have...I don't know if its because your feelings have changed, if its because I've been pushing away, or what..... If we agree to reprogram, is it just me thats reprogramming?

=) ok...think I'm done
muah
Also, I would really appreciate a response to both of these emails (novels) I've written you. I know you're busy, so I'm doing my best to be patient.

Bubble

Lately I've felt like I'm in a bubble. Day in and day out I go about my normal routine. Feel like I've only had contact with my friends via text or phone. Its almost like living in another country. Not sure if that explains it well, but its just this very isolated feeling. Most of the guys have dropped off. I wasn't giving them much encouragement or attention...I don't regret it at all. Scorpion was the one putting forth the most effort and I finally told him that I just wasn't interested. I didn't want him to continue to waste his time. Wheelin has been......around. Around as in my thoughts, and we normally have some form of communication at least once in every 24 hour period. Even if its something as small as him making a random comment on my facebook page. I miss him so much

I've come to a few realizations lately. First off, I am a complete chicken when it comes to approaching a guy I truly like. I'll have to add more later....for now I'm looking into this.

Couldn't have said it better

Lyrics | - There’s a Fine, Fine Line lyrics

God Help the Girl

Avoidance

I'm completely avoiding this topic here and with my friends. But not avoiding what/who I should be. I am very happy for BFF and incredibly jealous. I keep trying to remind myself that seeing her so happy should give me hope.

Cornered [9:30 AM]:
hi! good morning
BFF [9:38 AM]:
hey!
Cornered [9:38 AM]:
hows it going?
BFF [9:39 AM]:
good girl, these next two weeks are crazy, weekends included
BFF [9:39 AM]:
how r u
Cornered [9:40 AM]:
good...whats going on?
Cornered [9:42 AM]:
when do you get to go to cancun
BFF [9:48 AM]:
well the deed is done with leo
BFF [9:48 AM]:
no cancun, I'm hosting a fam over those dates, host hotel is at redrock which i have to stay on sight
BFF [9:48 AM]:
for
Cornered [9:49 AM]:
and the deed was?
Cornered [9:50 AM]:
yay...nay?
BFF [9:50 AM]:
YAY!
Cornered [9:50 AM]:
awesome!
Cornered [9:50 AM]:
anything changed?
BFF [9:51 AM]:
yeah for the better, girl he is awesome. he spent the night friday, saturday morning i woke up sick. he brought me tea in bed, went to the the store got me theraflu, gatorade, chicken soup....
BFF [9:52 AM]:
stayed all afternoon until he left for work at 330, showered at my house...
BFF [9:52 AM]:
next day sunday, we hung out all morning/afternoon until he left for work
Cornered [9:52 AM]:
awwww.....thatss great!
Cornered [9:52 AM]:
I'm really happy for you
BFF [9:53 AM]:
thanks girl, i'm seriously on cloud 9
Cornered [9:53 AM]:
you deserve it
BFF [9:53 AM]:
no man has ever treated me the way he does....
BFF [9:53 AM]:
thank you, we will see what happens...
BFF [9:53 AM]:
hows Wheelin?
Cornered [9:54 AM]:
I'm glad he treats you so good
Cornered [9:54 AM]:
well I just wanted to check in....see how things were going
Cornered [9:54 AM]:
find out if the deed went over
Cornered [9:55 AM]:
I'm swamped over here too
Cornered [9:55 AM]:
we'll chat more later
BFF [9:55 AM]:
ok!

songs just say it better

does this exist?

Feel like I get more and more covered by a blanket of Jade. If I can find the quote that Orlando gives her near the end of the movie...when he finds out she's getting back together with her ex-husband I'd rather post that. It was exactly what I would have liked to have told Wheelin. But this video...is my wishfull thinking for now



Update---I found the quote...but not a video of it. "What do you want me to say; we can be friends? You don’t get it. When you really love someone you can’t just be their friend. And I don’t want half of you."

Is there a spell that I am under

Don't bother

Just needed to vent. Don't really want to hear any body's advice, I feel stupid enough already. Decided for the millionth time that I want to distance myself from Wheelin. I can't handle him telling me one minute something (that makes me think he really likes me) then the next minute something else that makes me think its all in my head. I freaking like the idiot and really wish I didn't. He can be a really great friend, but I'm not sure I can be his friend anymore. I don't want to see him with someone else...not the psycho "If I can't have you no one else can"...but the man that really hurts to see you love someone else when that was all I wanted from you. =) have enough fun watching my ex-husband do that. Don't need an encore performance from someone else.

Every time I pull away from Wheelin is when he decides to tell me how much he likes me or that he doesn't want to lose me to someone else. I've told him before how he doesn't make sense to me. Then the other day his text says ""it doesn't make sense" based on how I treat u, look at u, and how things ACTUALLY are".

Told him I'm sick of this, I don't want to deal with this anymore. Just want him out of my life. Told him I can't handle him touching me anymore...that it's almost like I'm hypersensitive to his touch...that I feel exactly where every finger of his is on me, that I can't even handle looking at him anymore when he hugs me because I just want to kiss him. His response "well maybe I need to not touch you then." So now his argument is he wants to keep me as a friend and that he wants me to reprogram. "Why don't you look at it as being done liking me like that, future with us, pursuing me, parts, instead of completely done?" Loved that. All I really wanted was a shot. A real shot.

If anyone does end up reading this...my question is how many of you have fallen in love with someone, been turned down and then stayed friends with them? How did you do it? Any regrets either way?

true?

I do not hook up

Is there something written on my forehead?

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