Trapt

flashbacks

It's weird having flashbacks to old times...to good times. Weirdest one just happened a few minutes ago. I'm over at Wheelin's place,(I know I know, we can talk more about that later), he was in his bathroom cleaning up when he dropped something in the tub. I asked him if he was ok..........Flashback = Years ago I was taking a shower, I dropped the shampoo bottle while I was in there. My ex-husband was home and he came flying into the bathroom. He was so freaked out, he thought that I had fallen in the shower and got hurt. I felt so bad seeing the look of fear on his face. I remembered telling him I was ok, and that i was really sorry about scaring him.

Still asking the same question today. How do you stop liking or loving someone? With my ex-husband I've accepted it. I will always love the man I married and fell in love with. That guy is gone. The flashbacks are one of the few things I have left.

Some effort please........

I've been doing a ton of juggling. Remember a couple of posts ago when I mentioned I did something i was ashamed of...never mind again I was almost going to post it but I'm still not 100% ok with it. Anyway another guy has been added to the mix. He works for a kayak company in his spare time. So I met "Kayak" about a month ago at a party. He's hilarious and I had a great time with him but he lives out of town with zero plans of moving here. Because of this I never expected to hear from him again, but he found me through mutual friends on facebook and has been texting me every day since. Its all purely sexual and we have no plans on getting to know eachother on any other level. Kayak is married.......him and his wife have an open marriage. I did not have sex with Kayak. Of course he's interested, I told him he had to come back with a permission slip from his wife. Even though they might be ok with all this I'm not. It completely fucks with me morally and I feel like the world's biggest hypocrite. So that is the real reason why i don't want to get to know him any better. I don't want any kind of real relationship with this guy. He's funny and I bullshit with him regarding my love life.
I was telling him the other day about Suzuki...things have been going on with Suzuki. We've hung out a couple of times now. We've had two different make out sessions. I love kissing. But besides that, nothing is really happening. Kayak was telling me that Suzuki should be putting forth some effort. We both agreed that it sucks being with someone that acts like they could take it or leave it, either way no big deal. I want someone passionate. I feed off of that, the more someone wants to be with me the more I want to be with them...when it comes to sex.
When it comes to other things I'm not sure what's leading me. Right now I have a few options...Scorpion, Soccer Dad, Suzuki, Honda, Kayak.....All I want is freaking Wheelin. How do you stop liking someone? Can you stop liking someone and remain friend's with them?

Soccer Dad

A co-worker is trying to set me up with a guy she knew from back in the day. He's hot, divorced, plays soccer and has a ten year old son. I mentioned that I wouldn't mind meeting him. Well today she decided to give him my number and wanted me to go to lunch with her to meet him. I couldn't, too much work and my lunch is too short. I also didn't clarify that when I said "I wouldn't mind meeting him" meant that if we all happen to end up at the same event together that would be cool. Or that I was open to the possibility. It did not mean give him my number.

So she went to lunch with him to catch up. She hasn't really spoken to him in almost 15 years. Turns out the demise of his marriage left him pretty resentful...he's only been divorced for about a year. I faintly hear "mayday...mayday!!!!" repeated over and over again in my head. Then again I hear Wheelin telling me that girls don't give guys enough of a chance.

Soccer Dad sent me a few texts. The first one ended with a question "What makes you happy". I wanted to give a real answer without sounding cheesy or fake. So I went with complete honesty and told him it was the little things that make me happy; Like my girls giggling, a good night's sleep, getting all green lights on the way to work. I returned the question...his response "spending time with my son candlelight dinners and making people smile". Am I just jaded....his response sent more "maydays" running through my head. Spending time with your children is a cop out answer....I love my kids, but sometimes they drive me crazy and being single parents, it can make it harder at times, the times when things go right it is great. Candlelight dinners...REALLY?!?!?! Is there a straight man alive that is made happy by candlelight dinners? I just cross that answer off as bullshit, where do people even go to have candlelit dinners...and what makes you so happy about it? That you can barely see what you're eating or because you're just that romantic of a guy. Please if you are a guy or knows one that thinks candlelit dinners make him happy please clue me in. His last response about making people smile...I'll buy that one...has some cheese factor, but I'll buy it. Ugh, who's the resentful one...me or him?

Crotch Rocket

So one of my guy friends has been dying to set me up. He was waiting for me to be done with Wheelin. He supposedly had this sweet, fun nice guy he thought would be perfect for me. I told him I really sucked at blind dates and was preety nervous about meeting someone out of the blue like that. My bud tried to plan a group date but that fell apart pretty quickly...blind date dude "Scorpion" has the COMPLETE opposite schedule of me. I work m-f 9-5....he works wed-sat 1pm - 12am. The three days he has off I have my kids...so I won't hang out with him. Bud gave Scorpion my number.

After Scorpion and I had a few talks on the phone, I figured he was decent enough to meet and hang out with. We decided to meet after he got off work on a night that I don't have to work the next day. We met at a bar and grill near our homes that was open late. I got there first...he came around the corner like a bat out of hell on his motorcycle. I love motorcycles....I don't like idiots that don't protect themselves and drive like complete morons. Scorpion drives a crotch rocket, does not wear gloves or a protective jacket. He also just raced ahead of a car, and almost missed the entrance to the parking lot....

When he gets off his bike I realize he's not much taller than me...I'm 5'2. He's dressed cute, he's kind of akward but he's trying hard to look cool, he's 45, he keeps talking negatively about his exes, the bike thing is driving me nuts...he's old enough to know better. He loves to cook, is into sports, is really trying hard to get on my good side, wants to become friends with my kids so that we can see eachother more.....

I'm not digging him. Had a conversation with Wheelin the other day about how girls don't give guys a chance. So I went out with Scorpion again...this time he had 2 shots, 3 beers, rode off on his bike and told me the next day how he finally was able to do a wheelie on it. He told me this as I was over at his house...he offered to run errands with me and make me breakfast (I didn't spend the night). He made me a really yummy omelet and gave me toast bacon and coffee. Never thought I would say this but he would have a better shot if he didn't have a bike. The bike thing is showing off how irresponsible he is.

My policy

What now?

Just want to remember this for now. Wheelin popped by my house this morning and we talked. He's been mad at me and wanted me to make some sort of effort to contact him. Said he was mad that I called him and told him the way I did, (he was out at dinner with friends). That I ruined his night. That he was also irritated to hear at that moment that I had gone out on a date with someone...which I cleared up that I hadn't. After we cleared everything up we hugged and kissed..............

It felt awesome...UGH. I'm freaking 30 and acting like a 16 year old with no sense. By the way, I must point out that I aced my speech.

Sometimes....

Sometimes I don't know what to say to anyone. A lot of times I hold back, saying nothing is easier, but it also doesn't change things. I've been told by my ex-husband and Wheelin that I need to stop holding back. I don't say everything I feel. I don't act out on everything I want to do.

Sometimes my reasoning is that I avoid things that make me look weak or helpless. I hold back on something I really want to do if I think I'll hate myself for it later...if I think it may be wrong. There are so many things I would like to do because they feel good but I hold back because I feel they're wrong. I beat myself up more than anyone else can.

Sometimes I hold back if I feel what I have to say won't make a differnce anyway.

Right now I haven't had a conversation with Wheelin since Thursday night, almost 5 days ago. He left me a message on Saturday morning to call him, when I called him back I said "hi" he said he couldn't talk and would call me back, I said "bye"...and nothing has been exchanged since. I feel bad, I never wanted to give him anything, I thought he knew that...we had a condom slippage accident in the past. I freaked out worried that he might get something...he seemed more worried about getting me pregnant. I don't know what to do now. Part of me wants to leave him alone, let him stay mad at me and never speak to me if he doesn't want to. I screwed up big time, I can deal with it. Think I'll stick to my rule of not sleeping with anyone who doesn't have herpes (holding back again)....I don't want to give this to anyone else ever again...its too easy to pass on. Another part of me wants to contact him and make him realize I never meant to hurt him, that I'm sorry...anything

Right now I am ashamed of myself for not holding back this weekend. Not sure I can even type about it. I've told two people. Not sure I even want strangers knowing. Even as I think about typing it out, I'm making excuses for why I did it...why I made it ok not to hold back Friday night. If you do something and you know its against your moral code...you know that your closest friends would rebuke you for it... Never mind its not ok. Even though strangers and others would say it was...might say it was....Never mind, I'm holding back.

Broken

No surprise

Song I love

Day after

Man I'm behind. So much to tell and hardly any time to tell you all everything. I have been swamped lately with work, school and the kids. In the past week and a half I've been with my girls almost the entire time. I had a few hours to myself on Wednesday after open house. I had Friday to myself for Soccer and homework then Saturday morning for school. I know most people have their kids all the time and major kudos to single parents who have their children all the time. I have 50/50 custody so I've gotten use to having time to myself to get things done, like homework, clean house and such.
Anyways, the biggest update is that me and Wheelin had pretty much zero communication for a few days before the weekend. Then Friday while I was at soccer I get a phone call and text asking if he could spend the night at my house because he has a really early drill the next day (he drills close to my house). At first I was caught off guard considering it was kind of weird to not hear from him at all and then when I do hear from him, it's to spend the night?!?!? So I told him i wouldn't be home for a while, I had a few games that night and I had homework to finish before the next day. Around 9:30 I sent him a text letting him know I was home. I felt like a complete idiot...why is it so hard to turn away a guy that I like, its really frustrating. So he ends up coming over, he goes to bed and I work on homework. I crawled into bed around 12:30 and we both just slept. Around 5am he got up, cuddled, dressed in the dark and left.
Didn't hear a peep from him till Sunday night when he came to drop his motorcycle back off and pick up his truck (he stores some of his stuff in my garage, till he gets his house). He gave me a couple of hugs and told me that I wasn't being very affectionate. I wasn't, I've been trying to back off little by little and was hoping that he would just fade away on his own. Then he comes around and I get all screwed up...yes, typical. Anyways, he calls me yesterday right when I get off work to see if he can come to my house and wash his truck. After a hesitation on my part he offers to wash my van as well...so I agree. Here's the kicker...He starts telling me about how he just got chewed out by a girl, a girl that he went to a Notre Dame game with (in South Bend, which is a plane trip away from where we live...which he conveniently didn't mention he went with a chick, and I am just finding this out at that moment)and that she lived in Reno (which he had been flying to almost every other week for a month...due to drill). Guess she was upset with him because she flew in to town and he told her to keep him posted about hanging out and he never contacted her. So she told them that they were having major communication problems. Guess she really liked him and he told her he wasn't getting serious with anyone. I told him to tell her to join the club. Anyways to cut this a little shorter, I basically gave him some advice on how some girls probably take him and how he can be very confusing and touch to figure out. Then after both our cars were washed I told him I just wanted to be friends. That I felt like a sleazeball being a "friend wit benefit". So he said "ok". So my after feelings are relief to finally put it out there again and sadness that that's over. Yes it is much better this way in a lot of different reasons...but when something you thought might work out or has the possibility of being something great is completely over and dead I think a tad bit of mourning is expected. Oh well as one buddy once told me "This is just a process of elimination"

too funny

This made me smile on my mopey day. Thanks to Kathryn for posting this.




Here's the video:

http://www.theinternalmakeover.com/2009/09/i-love-you-youre-perfectnow.html

Mopey me

Ok, this is your warning, you can turn back now, here's your last chance. I'm being pretty mopey and the day just freaking started. This all kind of started yesterday, I was feeling very overwhelmed, with the girls, their homework, my homework, making dinner, trying to put all the weeds I trimmed the day before in garbage bags (we're suppose to have serious wind here today), even the most mundane things were getting to me. My youngest got a spanking for not putting her outfit in the dirty clothes after her 20th reminder. I ended up sending them to their room crying before I flew into a screaming fit. Then I got a hold of BFF to blow off some steam. I hate these day when i feel like I can't handle it all, where everything feels like its just too much and there is no end in sight.

So this morning I talked to Wheelin on the phone. He mentioned that on my fav. morning radio show they had been talking about friends with benefits and he had almost called me because he wanted me to listen to it. Well guess what, I don't like being in a friends with benefits relationship. I feel like a sleezeball. I have nothing against them, they work for a ton of people. My BFF is really good at pulling it off. Me....not so much. I can't separate the two...my feelings and sex just go together. Ugh, I want love. I've been dealing with this whole Wheelin thing just to see what would happen. To see if I could be ok with what me and him are. I'm just not, it drives me crazy, it hurts, it sucks. The other reason I haven't seriously tried to change things is because I couldn't come to terms with what it is I really want from him. Do I want to just be friends (can I go backwards)? Do I want nothing to do with him?

The other part of our conversation this morning was me mentioning that I had a rough night. I didn't give him the details but he came to his own conclusion that my kid's wear me out. He doesn't have kids. He doesn't understand. I'm really sensitive when he talks about my kids. My kids can drive me crazy, crazy thoughts go through my head about how much easier things would have been without them...YES I KNOW THATS HORRIBLE. I would have never had to deal with my ex again. I could have gotten through school easier, and so on. But my girl's are my world. It's because I try so freaking hard to be the best mom that I can that my life is hard. If I was a shitty parent, things would be easier as well...but that isn't an option. My point is that I don't take it well when people say negative things about my kids...or even imply it. I don't think Wheelin is a fan of them, or he isn't a fan of my parenting. When he's around, my kid's behavior is amplified (to me). They also show off because he's there, they're excited and want to get his attention. I need to get him out of my life, think the bad outweighs the good. If you made it to the end of this post...I need advice...or someone to talk to.

Probably reading into it

I try to do as little facebook/myspace stalking as possible. I never usually find anything that I want to. Usually just end up finding things that bother me. I also don't have internet at home (single mom that can't afford it), and I can't get to those sites at work. So I normally don't have time for stalking. The other night I was using Starbuck's "free" internet and decided to go to my ex's myspace page. His page isn't private and I haven't been on it in over 2 years. I decided a while back to never go to see him and his wife's page. Well temptation overcame me. I was very happy with myself, that reading his page didn't hurt anymore like it use to. Seeing pictures of them with my girls, didn't bother me like before. The thing that stayed with me the most and left me thinking was the comments section...he only has 5 pages of comments, and if I went to the oldest ones (which were from 3 years ago) he still had all the lovey dovey and funny comments I had left him when we were married and happy. He's a guy...which means he probably has never gone that far back in his comments and has forgotten they were even there. Then I would have to follow a similar path of logic to think that his wife (my ex-bestfriend) has forgotten about them too or doesn't mind them there? Like I said I'm probably reading too much into it, but crazy enough it made me smile. I don't think I can explain why.

9 Signs a Guy Is a Keeper

Saw this on Carolina Girl's blog, she found it somewhere else, but I thought it was interesting. Not sure I've ever met anyone that fit all these categories.

Dating Tips: 9 Signs a Guy Is a Keeper

Think you've found The One? We asked relationship experts to help singles spot the clues that indicate serious boyfriend (and beyond) potential. Here's what to look for when separating the princes from the toads.By dating editor Ruby Madren-Britton for Glamour

#1. Keeper clue: He has his act together. (Check - for the most part)

This seems like a no-brainer, but it's a good place to start. "It's very important that you two be able to have a lot of fun together, so a party boy or a screw-up will probably not work out for you," says Mira Kirshenbaum, a family and couples therapist and author of Is He Mr. Right? "No matter how charming he is, if he is still struggling to grow up, it will get very old, very fast."More

#2. Keeper clue: He puts you first. (Fail)

Picture a delicious platter of grilled steak. Does your man offer it to you first to pick the best piece? He does if he's a keeper! "When it comes to taking the best piece of meat or offering it to you, that's a metaphor for how he'd always put you first the rest of your life," says Rachel Greenwald, author of "Why He Didn't Call You Back: 1,000 Guys Reveal What They Really Thought of You After Your Date."

#3. Keeper clue: He's not afraid of your germs. (Check)

You know a guy is really into you when he can't stay away, even when you're bedridden and snotty. "When you're sick with the flu, he says, 'Let me come over and take care of you,' rather than, 'Oooh, you sound really contagious... call me when you're feeling better,'" Greenwald says.

#4. Keeper clue: He's a family man. (With his family...does ask about my girls)

He asks about your family, and he seems to genuinely want to hear about them. "Interest in your family shows that he thinks about you as a whole person, and he knows that being with you means understanding and accepting your relatives too," says Sarah Harrison, senior editor of yourtango.com.

#5. Keeper clue: He makes time for your friends. (Fail)

In the beginning of your relationship, does your man show an interest in meeting your besties? And does he follow it up with a plan, like hosting a low-key dinner party? "Friends are an important part of your life, and his knowing them makes him more involved with you." Harrison says. "Plus, he'll have to deal with them at some point, so initiating it himself shows maturity."

#6. Keeper clue: He's your biggest cheerleader. (Check)

And she even has a poem: When your guy calls your mom to tell her about your promotion before you do, that should tell you something. A man who is supportive of you and your goals is typically a guy who doesn't "feel threatened by your success," says Kirshenbaum. "He knows who he is and where he's going," which means he can ultimately be there for you.

#7. Keeper clue: He remembers the little things. (Fail)

Does your man really listen to you? You'll know he's a keeper if you tell him you have a big scary work meeting and the next time you talk, he asks how it went. Or if you tell him you left your sunglasses at his house and he remembers them on your next date. "Following up on things you say to him means he pays attention to you -- always a good sign," Harrison says.

#8. Keeper clue: He's happy when you're happy. (Fail)

This is the guy who "goes to a chick flick with you on Friday night rather than an action film -- not because he actually wants to, but because it makes you happy," says Greenwald.

#9. Keeper clue: He makes you the best you can be. (Check)

A guy who makes you feel like the luckiest woman alive -- like you can (and should!) be your confident, fabulous self -- is worth hanging on to. "It's not just about how you feel about him but more about how he makes you feel about yourself," Kirshenbaum says.

Fun times in San Antonio

I started dating my ex at 16 after 3 years we broke up while I was in the military doing AIT (job training) in San Antonio TX. Lucky for me I had a gorgeous/nice guy "Honda" that was interested in replacing him in the mean time. Honda was 28 years old (9 years older than me), he was switching from the marines to army (so he was in phenomenal shape), and since he was older he was one of the only people that had a car in our Company.

For the 2 months we were down there, we were inseparable. He treated me like a queen. We had sex pretty much every chance we got. On our last night in the barracks we ended up having sex in a wall locker...it was the only place that gave you any privacy. He was great and once the 2 months passed I was sent back home and he was shipped to Hawaii. He sent me a card and I never wrote back.

Eleven years later he finds me on facebook. It has been so fun talking to him and reminiscing. We had it so good back then. Life was uncomplicated...the worse you had to deal with was drill sergeants and what hotel we would be staying in that weekend. Now he's in a relationship of 8 years, she has 2 kids and they're having problems. I'm now a single mom of two little girls. Honda hasn't found many people from his past so this was all new to him. I've done this drill several times and it seems to be the same each time. Find someone, reminisce about the past, then after several conversations realize you don't have anything to talk about anymore, then drift apart again. He's probably also interesting in taking a trip down memory because his current relationship is having problems. I gave him some advice, to remember why he loved her to begin with and that every relationship has its problems. We'll see how it works out...memory lane was nice. Wonder if I could still pull it off in a wall locker..........

One of the guys

So I've always been a huge tomboy. I love football, I play fantasy football every year for the past 6 years, I love sports in general and watch sport center every night.. I enjoy sex. I'm very competitive and strong. I'm pretty logical (don't think this blog normally reflects that). I don't show a ton of emotion to people...I rarely ever cry in front of people. I can play very cold when I'm really hurt. So for many of these things and then some, I've been called one of the guys. I didn't think much of this when I was married...but now that I'm single and dating, it throws me off when the guy I'm seeing tells me I should have been born a man. I don't take that as a compliment, I guess men consider it a high honor, but I don't. Can anyone shed some light?

Bummed out

Work is kicking my ass...I've had so many projects lately I can barely keep them straight. Some have even come back to haunt me because they've fallen through the cracks in all the shuffle from the company to my office and back, so its left me with less time to correct and finish them. Have people getting irritated with me left and right over things I have no control over.

My house is kicking my ass...I can't get caught up. Laundry and dishes are piling up everywhere. The more I clean the more there is left to do. The girls help a little but we're not getting ahead. Things keep breaking and the things I can't figure out how to fix stay broken till I can save up some money to get them taken care of or I work around them (currently using pliers to turn the knob on the washing machine).

School is kicking my ass...I have to have a demonstration speech ready for my communications class next week. I haven't even started it, I know what I want to do it on but I need to write it out and practice it a ton in order to make sure I hit the right amount of time when I do it in front of everyone. I have a two page paper due on Saturday for political science...I've been trying to do my reading for that class during my lunch breaks but thats not panning out either.

Liking someone is kicking my ass...suppose to hang out with Wheelin tonight, he called me right when I got off work yesterday. He was in a great mood and thought it was Thursday and wanted to hang out. After I told him that I would be with my kids and couldn't hang out, we rescheduled for tonight. Then I just told him that I would be kid free on Saturday, that if he wanted to go house hunting (for himself) we could do it then. I got the response that he is leaving for his hometown tomorrow, which is where the chicks that are "in love" with him live.

So now I just want to cancel tonight with him and concentrate on school. Feel like I don't have too many things to look forward to lately that make me genuinely happy. I'll get over it.

Putting yourself out there

I have an issue with appearing weak or vulnerable to people. Which is why I'm as anonymous as possible on this blog and nobody in my everyday life knows I write this. My issue right now is I'm still fiddling around with trying to keep some distance from Wheelin. We've been barely communicating for the past few days. I was the one that initiated any texts recently...which is kind of stupid since I'm the one initiating this entire withdrawal (pretty much without his knowledge, that it was even going to happen). So today he initiated contact first, sent me a text regarding fantasy football...a total of 4 texts back and forth total and that was the end of that "conversation". So now I miss him.

I'm trying to figure out what I'm missing, or better why I'm missing him. I'm blogging to keep from texting him that I miss him. I'm holding back because I'm the one that normally caves and sends that mushy crap then feel stupid when its not reciprocated. He normally just sends something back acknowledging he received the text. So I have this internal battle of not wanting to hold back how I feel and not wanting to be vulnerable. It would be easier if I knew without a doubt that he felt the same way towards me that I did toward him. He has told me time and time again that I don't give him enough credit for his feelings toward me. Ugh...back to what am I missing. Do I miss Wheelin or do I miss having someone that is interested in my life, someone to talk to about the most mundane things with, someone to talk about new things the girls did, or the funny things the dogs do. Or am I missing him because he's so funny, he is the only one that stands up to me and tells me if I'm coming up with excuses to get out of something, he inspires me, I love the way he smells, kisses, I miss his goofiness, miss the way he stops in the middle of something just to stare blankly and figure out his next move, I miss wrestling matches.

When things ended with Buffer, it took a matter of minutes to completely forget about him. I looked up one day and realized months had passed since we last spoke. So is this different...? I think too freaking much

Jerk vs Nice Guy

I have experience dating jerks...very little experience dating nice guys. Not sure if I've ever truly dated a nice guy. The only guy that came closest to that I ended up having the cops help him pack his stuff while he moved out of my condo. Its nothing I'm proud of but now that I look back on it, turns out its made it difficult to date a nice guy. Why???? Because nice guys are nice to everyone...jerks are usually only nice to the people they really like. As in the next person they will be sleeping with or their buddies. So when you get use to that MO its difficult to be around someone that everyone loves and not feel insecure. Or maybe I'm just insecure....but then that would make for a very short blog and I wouldn't get this stuff off my chest, so I'll contemplate more on that later.

When you're with a jerk and he does something special and nice for you it means a lot, because it was something that he did just for you. Something to make you realize that you mean something to them and they are going against their grain to make you happy. When a nice guy does something nice for you that he would do for pretty much anyone else in his life...its not the same. For me it gets to the point where I can't read a nice guy...no idea if I'm making a big deal out of their kindness when in reality I should just be thankful that I was included in their circle. How do you know if a nice guy really likes you?

I don't want a jerk anymore. Tired of jerks. So I really need to figure this nice guy thing out. Need to get over everyone liking my nice guy and realize thats part of the reason I like them so much. I stumbled (after some serious internet research; looking for something else) on an old site Wheelin use to have, that his ex made for him when he was over in Iraq. Found all these posts people had left him with well wishes and their love...made me realize that people have always told him how much they missed him and loved him. That they have no motives but to let him know he is cared for. Have to remind myself that when he runs to damsels (his female friends) in distress, that he's just being him and cares about his friends in return. I can deal with that...is probably going to be a lot harder than it should be for me. Anyone experience anything like this?

What is normal?

So, I've been trying to back off of Wheelin...little by little. Kind of...maybe... Well whatever the point is that I played soccer last night and hurt my ankle. I have 2 soccer games to play today after work. I told one of my team mates that I was still in pain but that I was coming to the game regardless. He told me to take some advil and that he would bring icy hot and a brace. In the mean time I have been working on my first paper that I have to turn in to my Political Science class tomorrow (I haven't written a paper in over 10 years). I'm nervous about my paper because I have been out of school writing mode for so long...and if you read my blog at all you know that I'm not a good writer. Well Wheelin offered to help me with my paper...asked me to help him look at more houses. The part of me that likes him wants to drop everything and meet him....the sane part of me realizes that its pretty stupid to go to soccer with a messed up ankle and that my paper is more important. The ego part of me wishes that he would do the same for me...drop everything to hang out with me every now and then.

So I'm curious, how normal is it to want to be around a person that you like...every chance you get? Usual between us is around once a week. If I could see him more I would like to...but he often reminds me about he doesn't like couples that spend so much time together. Like his buddies that he doesn't get to see much because they're glued to their current girlfriends or objects of affection. I think some of that is normal to want to be around the person that you really like, I also feel its normal to want to be around your friends without that person or also on your own at times. Never mind...I'm rambling

Fade to black

Why does this continue to happen. I keep getting guys stuck in the good enough for now stage. Which is basically the settling until something better comes along. I don't want people in either of those options but also have a hard time of figuring out how to move them along. I'm not trying hold on to a guy and wait for something better to come along...I don't want to leave one guy just to move on to the next.

The thing is I'm stuck on the whole jealousy issue. This chick that is in love with him is "supposedly" coming out to visit him. He says he doesn't know anything about it, but she's mention it a few times on his fb that she's looking at flights. The only thing I know about her is that she has a boyfriend (which apparently doesn't mean anything to her) and that Wheelin thinks she's stupid. Which he may have just said to try and make me feel better about her.

Found out another chick that I hadn't noticed on his page (because I de-friended him for over a month) loves to lay claim to him to. She did come out recently to visit and hang out with him. At that time he told me a friend came in to town and that was it. I didn't ask any questions.

So...I'm a very competitive person, but when it comes to guys I have ZERO interest in competing. Pick me or move on, its not a big deal. I think Wheelin is just having fun and enjoying the attention. I just don't want any part of it. This is a shitty feeling. I may be the only one sleeping with him, but that doesn't make me feel any better. I'd rather be alone...just friends. It just seems that every time I try to move it back to the friend category or have a conversation regarding it it doesn't seem to work out. The last time we had this retarded talk he left it up to me...told me that whatever I chose, he would support. For a while now my gut has been screaming to just be friends. Other parts of me scream for something different.

I have a counselor...I can't do all this fixing on my own, it requires some professional help and guidance. We figured out I have abandonement issues. So I go into a relationship expecting it to end or to be left. She also told me that whenever I feel the need to have the "Where is this relationship going" or the "What exactly are we doing together" speech to tell myself to shut up. So I'm partially following that. I've backed off of Wheelin and am trying to avoid talking to him again...trying to make him fade to the background a bit. Problem is he's wondering why I'm being so quiet and aloof. Talking it out with him never seems to make it any better, so I don't know what to do. Right now I'll continue with what I'm currently doing...avoiding him and blaming it on something else like school and work.

Guilt

Guilt happens to be one of the main driving forces in everything I do. Every now and then people feel the need to try and make me feel guiltier about something. I hate guilt trips and hate when people try to use that to influence what I should do. I'm harder on myself than anyone could ever be. Since I've become a mother its been so much worse. I expect A LOT from myself, I think everyone should. I've always wanted to be the best me that I could be, which is probably why I'm constantly trying to figure out why I do things the way I do them and am always working on fixing myself.

I'm feeling especially guilty today. Did a few things yesterday that I'm questioning myself about. First off I felt I should have dealt with the Suzuki pic differently. But I honestly didn't notice "his happy to see himself" issue in his pants. So now I'm stuck on that.

I also decided to get out of going to a soccer game to help Wheelin look for houses. I hate cancelling soccer, feel like I'm breaking my commitment to my team and I know how much it sucks when you can't depend on people showing up. Its already tough to get girls to show up and you have to work so much harder when you don't have a full team. So I checked with the team and they told me that they should be fine. My game would have been right after work and I would have been done by 6:40, but Wheelin asked me to please cancel and he would meet me at my house. I cancel soccer, and after work I'm home waiting for him at about 5:20. Call him, he's no where to be found...text him, I get no response. Now I'm getting irritated. I cancelled something that was important to me and he's no where to be found. I call him and text him again to let him know that if I don't hear from him soon, I'm leaving for my game. Another 20 minutes goes by and I still don't hear anything from him so I leave for soccer. I get there at 6:15, half way through the game and still haven't heard from Wheelin. I'm fuming and my team is losing...nobody is playing defense (which is my spot). After the game I have several irritated voice mails and texts from Wheelin. He felt that I didn't give him enough time to respond to my "ultimatum" of respond to me now or I'm going to soccer messages. He feels that he can't count on me and that I should be more understanding. So now I apparently screwed my team and him over...and I can't get across to him that he screwed up as well. This goes on for a while and while I try and point out that it was a miscommunication, that I thought he would be there when I got off work since this couldn't wait till after my game, I felt I had given him plenty of time...it doesn't get through to him. So we leave it at a stalemate.

I go and meet him and we look at several houses. Afterwards we end up back at his place with his roommate "RonJ" sprawled on the couch with his chick of the day watching a movie. I'm sitting on the love seat with Wheelin who is trying to make himself comfy on this mini couch by laying his 6 foot something frame on it. People that tall cannot lay down on a love seat and be very comfortable....especially with someone else trying to salvage a section of it for their own ass. After a while of watching the movie sideways I decide I'm going to leave. A buddy invited me to check out a new latin nightclub on the strip so I figure that sounds like the better alternative. When I announce that I'm leaving and Wheelin notices that I have clothes to go somewhere else, I informed him that I was going out. He does his best impression of a disapproving father and asks if I think that's wise considering what happened last week?...ok maybe he didn't say all that...it was probably more of a surprised "Really?!?!?", but it sure as hell sounded like all that. I asked how long I was suppose to avoid going out to make up for my major fuck up last week? Pretty sure I also threw in some stuff about me not drinking and that I would be careful and whatever else to make it show that I had done my penance and was reborn a responsible clubber. So now that adds to my guilt. I didn't end up going out...not because I felt guilty, turns out latin night was cancelled that night. I couldn't have cancelled on my buddy because then that would have been the third person I flaked on in less than 6 hours. GROAN!!!!!!

I didn't even go into mother guilt...but then this post would never end. We'll save that for another time.

Oblivious

I don't think I was meant to date. Guys are too freaking confusing. What also sucks is that its just too easy to attract them...honestly if you want them, I will send them your way. Wheelin is the one I've been interested in figuring out. There have been a few in the background that I haven't been paying much attention to. One in particular "Suzuki" decided to make his stance a little more known...in case I wasn't figuring out he was interested (this is my best guess of why he would send me the picture below of himself).

Silly me didn't even notice his shorts, till i showed it to BFF. All I saw was chest and abs. Did I mention that Suzuki also sent me this after I declined hanging out with him, because I was too sleepy and busy messing with my fantasy football roster. In which he tried to engage me by asking (via text) who my team was...he obviously doesn't understand fantasy football because I was not about to text the names of all the players in my roster. So I'm assuming the pic was to let me know what I'm missing (or have been missing) out on. He's been trying to make "plans" with me for over 2 months. I don't mind hanging out with him...just not interested sexually. See, single chicks everywhere should probably just hit me over the head. HAHAHA so am I being completely hypocritical....Wheelin has chicks professing their love to him on his fb page...I have dudes sending me half naked pics. The difference is Wheelin doesn't know about the pics...he does know that I've hung out with Suzuki and asked me if I was cheating on him with bike rides, (I love motorcycles, and until I get one I get rides on Wheelin's and Suzuki's bikes). So I'm not completely hiding it... Its just that I really don't have an interest in this guy and he has nothing to worry about. Is that good enough?

I forgot to mention that out of the few people I showed the picture to (here in the real world), the married chicks said to lose Suzuki, the single chicks said that I should hang out with him. Honestly I'm kind of turned off by a guy that has to stoop to try and get my attention.

Old Habits

It always amazes me finding out how people perceive me or others... Sometimes it seems like they're so off base but then I wonder what makes them come to these conclusions. I've been called cold...I was told that by someone who I had known for 14 years. This was a guy I use to hang out with me and the ex on a regular basis. Another guy told me he had no idea how cool I was till we started hanging out post-ex that all he knew was what my ex had said about me, (which turned out to be pretty unflattering). So I've been trying to figure out what the hell it is I'm doing that causes people (mainly guys) to see me so differently. With chicks it seems most of them have a fairly good idea of who I am.
My conclusion is that when I was a kid and guys weren't interested in me...or I was completely unaware...I never cared what they thought. Then as I got older and had some great friends that were guys who all of a sudden after years of friendship started professing their love to me and making the whole thing very awkward it made me realize that maybe I was doing something to encourage this. Once I had a boyfriend I never wanted to give someone a mixed signal so I started treating them differently. Guess I got that clue from the Ex who was worried about one of his buddies "honey hogging" me away from him. Well I wanted Ex to feel secure so I was a bit more standoffish with his friend. Anyone he felt was threat I backed off from. Now that I've been the one screwed over by a "friend" I'm even more standoffish of a guy's friends (the guy I'm seeing). So I'm wondering if I should reprogram myself. It's so automatic that its almost unnoticeable to me that I even do it. Does anyone else understand....does anyone else do this?

The other green monster

Hate being jealous...hate feeling jealous. I use to be really hard on myself about being a jealous person. Always thought it was my fault for feeling insecure. Ex-husband use to get irritated with me for it. We argued for 9 years over a chick that he was friends with. He always told me how they were just friends that he liked talking to her about past stuff, they had crap in common. The chick, wanted nothing to do with me...she made that clear. So for years we despised eachother and he fought to keep her in his life. Got to the point where I ended up telling him to never mention her to me again. I couldn't deal with it, it bothered and hurt me too much. Since I never wanted to give him an ultimatum (hate ultimatums) he kept her around, she lived in another state which was also the reason he didn't understand why it bothered me so much. After 9 years of arguing and coming to tears over this bitch I found out that they were having a relationship. From what I was told it wasn't physical but they pretty much were in love with eachother. I found this a couple weeks after my oldest daughter was born. I was crushed...and told him that it was her or me. Fastforward a few years and he ups and leaves for XBFF.

So now I'm feeling jealous again. Its just too de-ja-vu for me. Freakin Wheelin. Has a chick on his page that is often telling him how much she misses and loves him...and woohoo she's looking for plane tickets to come out and visit him. Turn tail and run sounds like the perfect option right now. Or being childish and posting pics on someone else's crotch rocket sounds like the right course of action. How freaking old am I? When is it ok to be jealous? Who's fault is it? What the hell is going on...?

Horrible Weekend

If there was ever a time I wanted or needed a do over button it was for this weekend. Woke up Friday morning to someone insistently ringing my doorbell. Since I sleep in the nude I jumped out of my bed wrapped myself in my sheets and answered the door...standing there are two of my co-workers.

co-workers: Aren't you supposed to be at work?
me: ah FUCK
co-workers: Where's your car?
me: in the garage...
co-workers: Really? We saw a car that looks just like yours on another street.
me: ah FUCK
co-workers: Well we're glad you're ok we were all freaked out. Call work and take the rest of the day off.

It's 10am in the morning. I'm suppose to be to work at 8:30. The previous night I went out with BFF and several other girls to celebrate BFF's birthday. We had bottle service....I asked the waitress to please bring water because I was thirsty, I then finished off a carafe of water and spent the rest of the night dancing and sipping cranberry and vodka....after a couple of hours I remember nothing.

So now I'm frantically looking for my cell, can't find it. I go to plug in the house phone and its not working. Since I never use my house phone and only keep it for the alarm system, I never realized the the cordless phone no longer carries a charge. Now I'm throwing everything out of my purse to find my car keys when my doorbell goes off again. I've worked my way to wearing a t-shirt and bra. I look and see that its Wheelin....turns out BFF has my cell and she contacted him to see if he knew where I was so he was freaked out too. I throw the door open and go running back to my room to put on my lower half of clothes. I beg him for his phone...he swats me away and informs me that he is using it to reschedule an MRI appt that he just missed so that he could come check on me. Once he hangs up he gives me the phone, I call my boss apologize to her and let her know that this will never happen again. Then I call my BFF and let her know that I'm ok. Wheelin then tells me that I should take the rest of the day to think over what I've done and that I need to start basically getting my shit together. I asked him to please leave before I start crying and walk away. He comes over and gives me a hug and then leaves.

Now I need to figure out where my car is. I start walking and find it on another street. I vaguely remember getting out of it the night before then trying to get back in and realizing that I was locked out...so I guess I walked back home and let myself in through the garage. I decide I need to call AAA so they can help me out....I have no phone. I start knocking on the doors of the homes near my car and nobody is answering. Realize I might have better luck with my neighbors but I'd rather not pick someone that I want to explain what the hell happened. After a few more houses I finally find a guy working in his garage. He lends me his phone after he dials the number for me and stands over me the entire time I'm on the phone with AAA. They tell me that they will be there between now and an hour and that if they're running late they'll call me...which i remind them that there is no way to get a hold of me. Then they tell me that if they take too long to please call them back. I got and find a shady spot near my car and sit and wait. While I'm sitting there I start trying to figure out what the hell happened...what possessed me to park here...how could I possibly drive accross town then get lost in my own neighborhood. I put so much at risk....my life, other people's lives, my job...everything was put on the line. I'm completely ashamed and embarrassed. I don't even remember drinking that much.

Wheelin pulls up to me sitting on the curb, he brought me lunch. He's so awesome, but its hard to face anyone right now. He hangs out with me while we wait for AAA, then he has to go back to work when they finally show up. I get back in my car find my keys sitting in there and I take my car home and spend the rest of the day thinking.

I meet my BFF after work and we start comparing notes. Turns out there is a huge amount of time where I don't remember anything. She told me that they gave me a ride to my car because some guys kept following us and wouldn't leave us alone. I forgot my cell in her car at that point. They kept asking me if I was ok to drive and made me walk the line in between the parking spaces and I guess I must have been successful because they let me go.

I was embarrassed to come in to work today. So many people telling me that they were just so worried because it was completely out of character for me. All I can guess is that somebody must have slipped something in my drink. I'm going to google that now and see what the effects of roofies are. I didn't have a hangover, so I'm not sure. I'm just very grateful that I have a job, didn't hurt anyone and that I get to be the mother of my kids for a while longer.

Glimpse

So since school has started I have to see my ex-husband more often. His mother watches our girls at his house and when I get off work to pick them up he's home already...his wife normally isn't. Lately with the meet the teacher day, first day of kindergarten, and picking the girls up from his house....this is the most we've been all together in 2 years. It's very weird how we both fall into the way we use to act around eachother before the mess. It's weird to parent my kids with their father right their parenting them as well.

It was right before my girls turned 2 and 3 when it all fell apart. I need to get it through my head that this is a glimpse of what things would be like if we could be friends....not what it would be like if we were a family. Can I drop the grudge? Your husband leaves you for your bestest friend...the matron of honor at your wedding....the one you cried to when you didn't understand why he started asking for a divorce all of a sudden. It's hard to not want to make them pay for it for as long as possible. In the back of my head I also feel that if I just act like everything is "ok...all is forgiven" that it would strenghthen their relationship. Not sure if that makes sense to anyone else, but its almost like giving them my blessing. Not that I have any control over their relationship...I figured that out 2 1/2 years ago.

Don't get me wrong, I am civil to both of them. My girls have never heard me talk bad about either one of them. We all work around eachothers schedules. We just don't do functions together. Hearing her call him babe still gives me chills. Looking at their adorable 1 year old throws me off....I try to act like shes any other toddler and smile at her when she smiles at me...but when my youngest tries to bring her to me to carry her, I weird out. Try to come up with something that my youngest will find an acceptable reason for me not wanting to hold their half sister. I told her that maybe the baby shouldn't be outside (I always wait at the door step and avoid stepping into their home.)

How do other people do it? Am I being childish?

Kindergarten

I almost made my oldest late to her first day of kindergarten this morning. I was trying to be super mommy. They had grits, eggs and strawberries for breakfast. I did her hair really cute and curled it. But I didn't exaclty have enough time for all this.... and I forgot that I had to go through a school zone to get to her school.... and I thought I had until 8:55 to be there. Didn't realize 8:55 is the latest she is allowed to get there.

I now have video of the back of her walking with her daddy to school. I also have a few sloppy pictures of us because at one point I had to hand the camera to my four year old to take pics. But I she did take a good pic of me and my ex-husband with our kindergartner.

Observant child of mine

My oldest came up to me and asked me "Momma, why don't you have a boyfriend?" After some quick scrambling trying to come up with an appropriate answer even though it may be far from the truth I told her "I'm happy with just my girls, I don't need a boyfriend" to which she replied "Everybody else has a boyfriend". So I'm proud of myself for not parading men in front of my two girls and being good enough that they have no idea the difference between guys that are just my friends and the ones that actually mean something to me. When I have my kids I devote my time to them...Which leaves me 3 1/2 days a week to date, play soccer, go to school and have my own social life. Maybe the birth control experiment isn't working....I'm pretty down these last few days.

Placeholder

grumble, grumble, grumble. Hung out with Wheelin most of yesterday and finally had another one of "the talks" that I hate, but continue to bring up because he confuses the hell out of me. I guess I have been looking for either a title or a clear explanation of what the hell is going on between the two of us. I told him how he sits there and pushes me away and then the next minute is acting all sweet. After a discussion on it finally figured out we're just friends with benefits. Its not what I signed up for and I'm going back and forth on if I want this to continue this way or not. I've never done this before and so far....I don't like it. One thing I did get out of the book "He's Just Not That Into You" is that if somebody really likes you they will pursue something with you, even if they're telling everybody else they're not ready. Basically, he doesn't ever see me as his girlfriend...and this BS we're doing works for him. Well at this moment it doesn't for me. I'm hurt and the stupid thing is, its not like he's the one or that I'm even remotely in love...but its a blow to my ego.

Like right now the idiot was joking around about setting me up with a guy he just met who drove a black BMW. We were joking:

Me: Did you get the guy's number

Wheelin: I can go back and get it if you like

Me: Never mind, you don't know my type

Wheelin: Yes, I do and maybe you should steer away from that. You should let me set you up.

Me: Fine, go for it.

Wheelin: Are you going to set me up?

Me: No, I have to look out for my friends and you're not looking for anything serious.

Wheelin: Just give it a shot, I might change my mind

hmmmmmmmmm, very interesting considering when it comes to me thats not what you want. Oh well so I feel like a placeholder right now. Good enough to fuck and hang out with, call when you're feeling down or have issues but thats about it.

I wanted to be single for sometime after my divorce. Just have fun, so far I have. How long is long enough to be single? I've been divorced for two years. One guy I dated "Buffer" supposedly fell in love with me and wanted to get married...after a while I figured out he had a girlfriend and she had a little boy that called him daddy. For me thats a major problem.

Sorry, I'm having a pity party moment. I want a real man in my life that is completely in love with me and wants me to be happy and wants to be with me because it makes him happy. I don't want to be just good enough to fuck. This didn't happen before, when me and my exhusband were boyfriend and girlfriend we broke up for over a year and I dated people. I was the always the one ending it with them. I was the one that got to choose how I wanted the relationship to go. Guess I was fucking spoiled, I was also 19 and hot. Now I'm a divorced mom of two amazing little girls and "pretty hot". Look I know I don't need a man to be happy or complete my life. Never mind, I'm just gonna sit in my puddle for a minute...

Side note: This puddle is also brought on by the fact that there is suppose to be major announcement at work tomorrow and we're all freaked out. I'm nervous on if they're going to finally start doing lay offs here. Today just isn't a good day for me.

Condoms

So BFF found a new kind of condom that she likes and is recommending to me. We work for the same company but in different buildings so she inter-officed it to me. It was a Trojan called Thintensity, see pic above. Well Wheelin has gray packaged trojans in bulk so I thought he might have the same kind. So I sent him a text asking him what kind he had. His response "I don't know" which led to a series of texts along the lines of "how the hell do you buy condoms in bulk and not know what kind you have" to "why the hell are you and your BFF talking about condoms and how did I get brought into this conversation"

I'm finding out most people don't talk about condoms....or maybe its just the majority of people around me. I had to find out if I was the weird one so I asked several guys if they ever talk about condoms. Some where caught off guard and one actually got embarrassed, (he's not the type that gets embarrassed easily). Survey concluded: Guys don't talk about condoms...they rather not wear any at all and if they have to, they're all the same to them.

I thought they would be talking about this more than me and my BFF did. She seems to notice a difference in how condoms feel. I don't but I play along thinking maybe something might change and I can always use more condoms. But I honestly believed that guys would compare notes and find out what was the best, what gave them the most sensation or what sucked and so forth. For me it was natural to talk about condoms, I never used them with my ex-husband and now that I was dating I needed some info from someone I trusted. Turned out she hadn't experimented to much with them, therefore we became interested in the different types and when one of us comes across one that may be new and different we give the other a sample. Isn't this what most people do with most products?

Near the end of the day one guy friend texted his buddy about condoms. His buddy responded with "I like the Her Pleasure ones. That they're not just ribbed for her pleasure"...my buddies response "Oh really, so it feels good when you take it up the ass!?!?!?". This folks is why guys don't talk about condoms, they remain forever 12 year olds.

Is this really going to help?

Bitch (noun): a woman who won"t bang her head against the wall obsessing over someone else's opinion - be it a man or anyone else in her life. She understands the if someone does not approve of her, it's just one person's opinion; therefore, it's of no real importance. She doesn't try to live up to anyone else's standards - only her own. Because of this, she relates to a man very differently.

Today one of my co-workers said the definition of insanity is to continue to do the same thing and expect different results. Yes, I know she didn't make that up, but I hadn't heard it in a while and I was at least trying to give someone credit for making it pop up in my head again. So the main question is, Will becoming a bitch help me? Do I want a guy that is attracted to bitches? BFF is reading the book pictured above. I didn't really think she had a problem being a bitch till she met someone she really liked. So I'm on standby for the book. I'm all for books that can help but it seems like a lot of the times the books just make things more confusing. I've read The Rules and He's Just Not That Into You. Little tid bits from both of those books have stayed in my head but I really believe everything is on a case by case basis. I'm also single and divorced. But I do believe I should get kudos for having been with my ex-husband for 12 years.

Anyways, I was telling her about the booty call situation having a kink in it...since he kind of asked to take me to dinner and an outdoor play. BFF started giving me pointers according to what her book said. Really, I don't want to be a bitch. i just want to be me, that is just easier. I like me and I don't want to mold myself into something bitchy just to get someone. Really it just isn't worth it. Will I still read the book...Yes, its peeked my interest.

Booty Call Contract

This can be found almost anywhere online. But this just got violated and I'm weirding out. I was told by BFF to just go with the flow and not act like sir booty call just asked me out on a date inadvance.

Bootycall Contract

This pre-booty call agreement (hereinafter referred to as the "Agreement") is entered into on the _____day of __________, 20__, by_______________________, between ____________and______________.
THIS AGREEMENT SHALL COVER THE FOLLOWING RULES AND PRINCIPLES:

1. No sleeping over - unless it is very good and we need to repeat it in the morning.

2. No meeting in public except for dinner or drinks before the events of the evening.

3. No calls before 9 PM - we don't have anything to talk about.

4. None of that "lovemaking" stuff - only sex allowed.

5. No emotional discus.s.ions (i.e. Where are we heading with this? Do you love me?) The answer is no, so don't ask.

6. No plans made in advance - that is why you are called the "backup," unless you are from out-of-town, then it's only a one-time advanced arrangement.

7. All gifts accepted - money is always good.

8. No baby talk - however, dirty talk is encouraged.

9. No asking for comparisons with former lovers - it's really none of your damn business.

10. No calling each other "friends with privileges" we are not friends, just sex buddies.

11. Calling out the wrong name during sex is OK - don't be offended.

12. No extra clothing - I don't want your ass leaving anything behind when you leave.

13. No falling asleep right after sex - it's over, so get your ass up, get dressed and go the hell home.

14. Don't be offended if I don't ask if you enjoyed it - I don't care.

15. You cannot borrow my car for any reason.

16. If anyone asks who you are, the standard answer will be: "My roommate's girlfriend/boyfriend."

17. Dog.gie style is the preferred position - the reason is less eye contact the better.

18. No condoms, no banging. Carry your ass home.

19. Bring your own drink - I am not your liquor store.

20. No phone use, please - don't want anyone calling back looking for your ass.

* EXTRA TIP FOR SUCCESSFUL BOOTY CALLS:The aforementioned rules may only be altered by the holder of the agreement. If the other party attempts to change or alter any terms of this Agreement, it will automatically become null and void and you will then be removed from the BOOTY CALL LIST and deleted from phone memory and email list. In other words, you will be BLOCKED from all communications until your silly ass understands the rules.

Participating PartySignature_______________________________________

Date: ________________

Participating PartySignature_______________________________________

Date: ________________

Perspective

I went to a pool party on Friday night. Had a blast and drank way too much. Haven't drank that much in a while. I knew most of the people there were younger than me but I didn't really give it much thought. A girl in her early twenties started talking to me and telling me her life story and all the little things that made her her. She was pretty fascinated with herself and I found it interesting so I asked questions. She told me about all her injuries, accomplishments, who gave her her boob job, how she use to be a lesbian and so on.

At one point I decided to jump in and tell her how I knew another chick who was 30 like me and.... The conversation was completely lost after that.

Young boob job chick: "You're 30! Oh my god, you look soooo good for 30"

I was awestruck. Never until that moment did I realize how horrible that sounds and that I will NEVER do that to someone older than me again. It is such a backhanded compliment. I know she was trying to be nice, I was probably a whole 6 years old than her. I know I've told people before how great they look for their age...but I promise to never do that again. I think I may start carrying lollipops around for the next youngin that says that to me. Hopefully it will be a looooooooong time away.

Running from running

I'm very interested in doing the mud run or maybe even the iron girl next time they're in town or near by. But there is a MAJOR problem...I hate running. I love competing and I love the feeling of accomplishing something that is difficult. So Wheelin told me that he thought if I really got into running I would love it...something about it having all these aspects that I like, he threw a comparison to how much i enjoy sex that somehow distance running is similar. Not sure, exactly what he said now but it involved sex so I decided to give running a shot. Before that I asked my BFF what she thought. She knows me better, maybe she would have a different take on it and tell me "No don't run". But...she didn't, to my dissapointment she completely agreed that I would enjoy running...or that she had great confidence that I would drop this major grudge I have with it. I didn't even mention the sex part.

So, I decided to give it a shot. No set date was made for this so I kept putting it off. Somehow Wheelin is very good at continuing to bring it up. The other day I mentioned how my spraigned ankle was all better. Which prompted him to ask "So, when are you going to start running", which I quickly came back with "it's too hot out" somewhere the rest of the conversation excapes me, something about me always having an excuse, blah blah blah. Well today was gorgeous outside, I woke up early enough to go for a run. I decided to bring my dog along, (she's young and big, she could save me from anyone out there ready to throw me in the back of their car and do murderous things to me motivate me and give me some company.

6:20am - We set off at a slow jog. Turns out my dog loves running, so the speed definately picks up after she stops paying attention to every bush and rock we pass. We're running now outside of our complex and around the corner. I'm trying to stop the mantra running through my head "this sucks, this sucks, this sucks". Now I'm starting to wonder how far I should continue since I have to eventually return home. Also I can't run for too long because I have to get ready for work. It's my first time out I don't want to over do it. So after all these things run through my head I decided to go back home. I've worked up a sweat got the dog and myself out of the house we're good. So I get home sweaty, out of breath, coughing and just glad its over. Let me check the time and see how much time I have left to get ready for work. - 6:35am Are you freaking kidding me! 15 minutes, was all I ran for? Man this is going to take a while for me to start loving this torture.

Maybe I should wait till I get music on my shuffle, or until I get better shoes or.....

Muah to Blog

hmmmmmmmmm. I failed to mention that I brought up to the psychic that I blog. She said that I should send her a link to it sometime. After the last post, I'm thinking thats a bad idea.

Wheelin knows I have a blog...now he's curious about it. Thats probably not as bad of an idea. Buffer use to read my blogs on LJ. I never held back, and he would read them regularly. I use to vent about him a lot...he drove me nuts. But I was never worried about losing him, if he would have just walked away I would have been a'okay with it. The difference with Wheelin is that I feel like he has this need to tell me how or why I am doing things wrong. Or how I should be doing them better. He's very opinionated....it can get annoying. It gets annoying.

But guess what! This is my blog...my feelings...my little world in writing. Who ever finds anything wrong or imperfect...GO AWAY. These are my imperfections, my wrongness and in my little world they are all accepted and just right.

I don't know what I'm doing, I'm figuring so much out on my own and sometimes you're opinion isn't welcomed. This is my little reflection manual. Somewhere I can look and see how I did things and how I should probably go about them differently or see what I did right. I love my blog!

Crystal Ball

So I went to another psychic reading yesterday...it is so weird to even type that. I'm not a person that normally goes to one...but heck if its free, I'm game. She seems to really like and keeps wanting me to come back and give me free readings. The crappy thing is that I think she's kind of lonely, so my instant response was...do you want to just hang out instead and I left it up to her to decide what she would like to do. So where's the crappy part you ask? I don't really want to hang out....I can't even say it harshly here. I felt like she was lonely so i offered to hang out, even though I don't want to. But I thought that might make her feel better. Why do I put other people ahead of me? Yes, it was really nice of her to give me two free readings...not completely free, I did giver her a bunch of pool cleaning supplies...which is how I got the first reading for free. Wanna hear the other weird thing, the minute I walked out of her house I started feeling bad....thinking that if she's a psychic couldn't she tell that I don't really want to hang out with her? If I did hang out with her would she be trying to figure out which guy I would work with best...what is it like to hang out with a psychic? Is it similar to hanging out with a psychologist? Do they ever really stop working? For the pessimist out there...Yes, I may be taking this too far...who knows if she has really psychic ability...if it really exists. But why chance it? I believe that psychic ability exists...do I believe everything she tells me is exactly whats going to happen....not really.

I told Wheelin about the reading (he introduced me to her). I told him how everything she told me this time was so positive. I have an amazing life coming to me. Honestly I really already thought that myself...maybe its the kid in me that still believes in hapily ever afters. But damn I deserve it....I've done my share on the bad side of Karma. Good stuff, better stuff has to come. Then Wheelin's comment is "Do you really think she would tell you bad stuff?" UGH...such a partypooper...actually I normally tell him that he's a killjoy (its an official word in the urban dictionary). Yes, I do think she would tell people bad stuff...she told me that my mom might be moving in with me. That is HORRIBLE in my book. She also thinks my dad will probably pass around the age of 78...he's 75 right now, that's not a good thing at all.